Tournament - Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker vs. Fire Marshall Bill

[SSJRuss]

FADE IN:

INT. CONVENTION HALL, 3RD FLOOR OF ELECTRIC FERRET STUDIOS -- MORNING

Opens on a large convention floor where several rows of seats are organized into an assembly.

Employees of Electric Ferret Studios go about the room finding their seats and partaking in the breakfast of dry donuts and coffee. They are a group of mostly men with identical outfits; white button-up shirts tucked into khakis separated by a brown leather belt and a nametag worn on their chests.

SSJRuss fills a paper cup with hot coffee. He stands next to JohnnyChany and C.T., who help themselves to an assortment of donuts. Each of them appear exhausted.

 

SSJRuss:

How did you guys sleep?

 

JohnnyChany:

Ha, what’s sleep?

 

C.T.:

(Picks up a donut and inspects it before deciding to put it on his plate)

I think I managed to get a few hours. Decided that sleeping on my desk was much better than sleeping under it.

 

SSJRuss:

Oh really?

 

C.T.:

Yeah. I just moved my computer and stuff to the floor. I think it’ll work nicely.

 

JohnnyChany:

Geez. That sounds desperate. You could get in trouble for that, ya know?

 

C.T.:

It’s not like anybody cares at this point.

 

The group leaves the breakfast counter and mingles with the rest of the crowd. They find seats together. On their left sits Bergy_Berg, who appears to not have shaved in two weeks. On their right sits Mercenaryblade, who removes a flask from his pocket and pours an amber liquid into his coffee.

 

SSJRuss:

(Leaning over toward Mercenaryblade. He looks at him inquisitively)

Where’d you get that from?

 

Mercenaryblade:

From OMFG’s desk.

 

SSJRuss:

What? You went through his stuff?

 

Mercenaryblade:

Not like he’s coming back for it.

 

C.T.:

(Eavesdropping)

Didn’t OMFG leave after the new mandate?

 

JohnnyChany:

I heard he just walked out.

 

Mr. Fox enters the scene. The crowd grows silent as everyone finds a seat. Mr. Fox, a middle-aged man in a dark blue suit, cuts across the assembly and approaches the front of the room.

A stage is situated in front of the assembly, 4’ feet from the ground. The stage is ornate, but has dark red curtains tied loosely on each side, a podium and microphone. Mr. Fox uses the stairs on the left side of the stage and reaches the podium.

 

Mr. Fox:

Hello everyone. Thank you all for being here. I know this has been a rough time for everyone. I wasn’t happy with the new mandate either but this coronavirus is very serious. Which is why we’ve quarantined here for the last six months. We all miss our homes and loved ones but we are alive, which is a good thing. Now, when this started our production here at Electric Ferret Studios increased ten fold. With the option of not going home, many of you chose to work tireless hours and nights. But we stopped along the way. Something happened and our productivity has declined. Significantly. So, I had to think of a solution. This company needs a little pick-me-up. Something to inspire and motivate us, not only into the new year but to just get us through this trying time. For that reason, I’ve bought someone with me today. Don’t worry, he’s been tested and he’s been cleared of the virus. His name is Matt Foley and he’s a motivational speaker. Now, he’s been downstairs helping himself to the concession stand for four hours so I think he’s ready to get started. So without further ado, Matt Foley, come on up here.

 

Camera pans to Matt Foley who is rushing to the stage. He is a large man with greasy, slick back hair, square glasses, a plain outfit with a brown tie and checkered pattern jacket. He wheezes as he heaves himself up the stage from the floor. He gets to the podium and waves at everyone, adjusting his belt several times.

 

Matt Foley:

Thanks, Fox. I’ll take it from here.

 

Mr. Fox moves away from the podium and gives Matt Foley the stage.

 

Matt Foley:

Well, well, well. Now, as your employer told you my name is Matt Foley and I am a motivational speaker. Before I begin, I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself so you’ll know where I’m coming from. I am 35 years old, I am divorced and I live in a van down by the river!

 

Camera pans over to SSJRuss and his co-workers sitting together. They give each other confused looks.

 

SSJRuss:

(Whispering)

Is this guy serious?

 

Bergy_Berg:

(Low-tone)

Yo, I thought we were on lockdown? Fox can’t just bring people in here--

 

Camera swings back to Matt Foley at the podium.

 

Matt Foley:

So, I’m told that you all need some motivation to get back to work? That you’re tired of sleeping in the supply closet with nothing to keep you warm at night but the disposal paper towels that you used to cry on… because you want to go home to your wife but she won’t let you in the door because you’ve had too much to drink at the bar that was filled with thirty dudes running high fevers? Well guess what? You can forget all about that and I’ll show you how.

 

Matt Foley points at the crowd and singles out an employee, DSkillz.

 

Matt Foley:

You, come up here.

 

DSkillz begrudgingly walks on stage. Matt Foley gets real close to him to talk to him.

 

Matt Foley:

Young man, what’s your name?

 

DSkillz:

(Points at his nametag)

DSkillz. But my real name is--

 

Matt Foley:

Well la de fricken da! We got somebody with some real skills here folks!

 

Matt walks over to Fox, puts his arm around his shoulders and flashes his glasses up and down off his face.

 

Matt Foley:

Hey Fox, I can’t see too well, is that MacGyver over there?

 

Mr. Fox:

Actually, he’s one of my best employees.

 

Matt Foley:

(Turns to face Mr. Fox)

Fox, I wish you’d just shut your damn yammer!

 

Matt Foley:

(Walking back over to DSkillz)

Let me tell you something, son. Your skills may impress the ladies in this office but they won’t be impressing anybody when you're LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

 

Popping his head out from behind the curtain, Fire Marshall Bill enters the scene.

 

Fire Marshall Bill:

Hold that thought, Callahan!

 

Fire Marshall Bill slides his way out from behind the curtain and onto the stage. He wears a dark blue suit and tie and a white fire marshall hat. One eye is squinted and his lips are curled under his teeth.

 

Mr. Fox, Matt Foley and DSkillz:

Who are you?

 

Fire Marshall Bill:

(Stands next to the group on stage)

I’m Fire Marshall Bill Burns and this convention hall is riddled with danger! I know what you’re thinking. How did a fire marshall get into this building during a lockdown? Well? LET ME TELL YA! This entire building is unsafe for the average employee. Everything in here is a potential hazard!

 

Camera pans back to the crowd, who look more worried and uncomfortable.

SSJRuss:

(Turns to JohnnyChany)

I think this is about to get weird.

 

Back on the stage, Matt Foley steps forward.

 

Matt Foley:

Now hold on there chicken neck! I was in the middle of a very important, motivational--

 

Fire Marshall Bill:

(Interrupts Matt and stands next to DSkillz. He speaks directly to the audience)

Take for instance, your motivational speaker. Sure, he may have the life you always wanted. Maybe he’s the cream of the crop. But you can’t just let anybody waltz into your office these days. Let’s look at a scenario. Say your boss here lets in his best friend because he wants a sleepover with the guy from Beverly Hills Ninja. They have a few drinks, get frisky with the receptionist. Next thing you know-

 

Fire Marshall Bill coughs directly onto DSkillz 'neck.

 

Fire Marshall Bill:

Covid-19!

 

DSkillz pulls away from Fire Marshall Bill and jumps off stage. He rubs his neck frantically.

Camera scans the crowd of employees who look increasingly worried.

Fire Marshall Bill and Matt Foley begin to argue with one another. Mr. Fox takes the microphone.

 

Mr. Fox:

I’ve had enough of this! Both of you leave this instant.

 

Fire Marshall Bill:

(Puts his hand up at Mr. Fox then points at Matt Foley)

Cool your jets, Michael J. Fox! This chunk of cheese is a carrier for the corona killer. And as your fire marshall, it is my sworn duty to protect and serve! LET ME SHOW YA SOMETHING!

 

Fire Marshall Bill pulls out a digital thermometer and points it at Matt Foley’s forehead. It scans him and reads: 101.6

 

Mr. Fox:

(Backs away from Matt Foley)

Matt, you have a fever!?

 

Matt Foley:

Now I know what you’re thinking. How did this happen? Well let me tell ya. It happened because I had to quarantine in a van down by the river!

 

The camera pans over to Fire Marshall Bill who has lit the stage curtain on fire.

 

Fire Marshall Bill:

Well now that that’s mysterious is solved there is only one thing to do, folks. Burn out the virus!

 

The crowd leave their seats in panic. Many of them run to the elevator or the stairwell. The fire spreads across the stage. The room begins to fill with smoke.

In the chaos, SSJRuss crams into an elevator with some of his fellow co-workers. The doors shut as they stand shoulder to shoulder with one another.

On SSJRuss’ left, Mr. Fox presses for the ground floor, but the elevator does not move. He tries another button, but the elevator does not respond.

The camera focuses on Matt Foley who starts beating outside the elevator door.

 

Matt Foley:

For the love of god, let me in!

 

Camera pans back inside the elevator.

 

Fire Marshall Bill:

(Outside the elevator, in the distance)

Hey Tony Robbins, LET ME SHOW YA SOMETHING!

 

Mr. Fox:

Don’t any of you open that door.

 

Bergy_Berg:

Oh now you don’t want to let somebody in?

 

JohnnyChany:

So we’re all gonna die in here, aren’t we?

 

Confession FPT:

I’ll tag that bet.

 

SSJRuss:

Seriously dude? The building is going to burn down and you want to bet if we’re gonna die or not?

 

Z451:

I mean, somebody had to have set this up.

 

Z451 and Mr. Fox meet eyes.

 

Mr. Fox

Don’t look at me, I don’t work in simulations.

 

Confession FPT:

Which do you think will get us first? The coronavirus or the fire?

 

Venom 2009:

Fire for sure.

 

SSJRuss:

Can’t we just leave the building?

 

Mr. Fox:

Lockdown, remember? Everything is locked shut unless I open it back up. Can’t do that from here.

 

Mercenaryblade:

Yep, we’re dead. Corona, take me now.

 

FADE OUT:

_____________________________________

So here we have Matt Foley vs. Fire Marshall Bill. Foley has a mild case of Covid-19 and a fire extinguisher. He wins if he kills Fire Marshall Bill and puts out the fire.

Fire Marshall Bill is trying to burn the building down with everyone in it so he can “save us” from the virus. If he succeeds, he wins.

The employees of EF Studios are also exposed to the virus and the flames, but their fates don’t determine the outcome.

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker
Read more about Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker at Wikipedia
Official Site: NBC Links: Wikipedia: Matt Foley Matt Foley @ The Travesty Official Chris Farley website

Fire Marshall Bill
Read more about Fire Marshall Bill at Wikipedia
Official Site: Fox Links: Wikipedia

[Culwych1]

I know absolutely nothing about either of these characters, but the setup made me laugh! Very inventive 😁

[C.T.]

[SSJRuss]

24 minutes ago, C.T. said:

I'll take that as, you like the setup.

 

45 minutes ago, Culwych1 said:

I know absolutely nothing about either of these characters, but the setup made me laugh! Very inventive 😁

Appreciate it! Yeah, unless you enjoy skit-shows then you'd probably not familiar with them. I recommend watching a few of them on Youtube. They're really funny.

[C.T.]

It was certainly entertaining, I just didn’t expect to be in it, heh.

And god, covid...

Me vs the year 2020 and ALL ITS SHIT

[SSJRuss]

10 minutes ago, C.T. said:

It was certainly entertaining, I just didn’t expect to be in it, heh.

And god, covid...

Me vs the year 2020 and ALL ITS SHIT

Yeah, I have two other matches I've done that in the last few months in this same style and with other users.

[Bergy_Berg]

23 hours ago, SSJRuss said:

On their left sits Bergy_Berg, who appears to not have shaved in two weeks

Tut-tut, such poor research. I haven't shaved in (counts on fingers) 6 years.

[SSJRuss]

18 hours ago, Bergy_Berg said:

Tut-tut, such poor research. I haven't shaved in (counts on fingers) 6 years.

Well I guess I'll have to use that information for next time. 

[Fox]

Why must everything at Electric Ferret Studios end in violence?  Can't we all just get along?

Nah, it's okay.  I'm good with it.  Carry on.

Another brilliant narrative about our corporate culture.  Clearly our Human Resources "People Team" is on the case getting this valuable talent in front of our employees.

I think I gotta go with Fire Marshall Bill on this one. I foresee a bonfire happening at a van down by the river.

[SSJRuss]

58 minutes ago, Fox said:

Why must everything at Electric Ferret Studios end in violence?  Can't we all just get along?

Nah, it's okay.  I'm good with it.  Carry on.

Another brilliant narrative about our corporate culture.  Clearly our Human Resources "People Team" is on the case getting this valuable talent in front of our employees.

I think I gotta go with Fire Marshall Bill on this one. I foresee a bonfire happening at a van down by the river.

When your job relies on debating matches, or in this case placing bets, then I think violence is a natural consequence. It's definitely going to be a theme going forward for these 'one-shot' EF Studio stories. Had a tough time with the end and making the match make sense but I'm glad it was enjoyed.

And just for me personally, it was cool to write my two favorite comedians in one setup. Not something you'd expect to write.

[JohnnyChany]

Nicely done, SSJRuss. Very creative and timely way to get two blasts from the past sketch characters into a setup. I dig it. 

Eventhough it would mean my own untimely demise, I don't trust Foley to stop Bill at all. 

[DSkillz]

I'm ... not sure I can survive this ...  😛 

Very nice entry, Russ, as usual from your CBUB Workplace series. I think Bill and Foley survive the fire and the virus somehow, but the building (and just everything else inside) goes up in flames. Fire Marshall Bill wins by default.  

[Nate86]

Very entertaining and funny at the same time. You used so many “isms” from each character that I could really hear their voices and cadence. Two great sketch characters and the band of misfits from EF makes for a fun matchup overall.

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
patrickthekid - CBUB Match Judge : 5 Stars x 2
Fox - CBUB Match Judge : 5 Stars x 2
DSkillz - CBUB Match Judge : 5 Stars x 2

FPA Calculation:
6 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 = 6 Total Votes
( (6 * 5) + (0 * 4) + (0 * 3) + (0 * 2) + (0 * 1) ) = 30 Total Stars Score
30 / 6 = 5.00 Total Rating

MATCH SCORE
Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker: 2
Fire Marshall Bill: 6

[DSkillz]

Waitaminute! I just thought about this.

Were you even born when In Living Color came out, Russ? How do you know about Fire Marshall Bill?  

[SSJRuss]

27 minutes ago, DSkillz said:

Waitaminute! I just thought about this.

Were you even born when In Living Color came out, Russ? How do you know about Fire Marshall Bill?  

I would have been 2 yrs old when it went off the air. I watched a lot of TV growing up and especially a lot of sketch shows like SNL, All That, MAD TV, Hee Haw and yeah, In Living Color. Now keep in mind most of it was reruns, and I'd say I've only seen two or three episodes of In Living Color on TV. But that was all I needed to realize and freak out about the fact that Jim Carrey was on the show. I've been a fan of Jim Carrey's for as long as I can remember and enjoyed his sketch comedy work. I don't know if I got to see his Fire Marshal Bill character back then but I watched them all as soon as Youtube became a thing.

Basically, if it has anything to do with Jim Carrey I probably already know about it. Lol