Match 16869 Tommy Wiseau vs. Ed Wood

[broadwaybeyonder]

Mr. Phil Carruthers, manager of the Sparrow’s Flight Theater in Los Angeles, looked up from his desk as the door to his office opened and his assistant Susan peeked in.  “Is he still out there?” Carruthers asked.  Susan nodded.  “He hasn’t moved from the couch for 20 minutes.  And another gentleman is waiting for you, too.  I told him you were busy but he said he simply must speak to you about the festival series.”  Carruthers sighed, and motioned to Susan.  “Very well.  Let’s get this over with.  Send Mr. Wiseau in first.”  Susan opened the door wider, and Tommy Wiseau walked in.  He ignored Susan as he walked to Carruthers’ desk.  Carruthers straightened his shirt and held offered a handshake.  “Hello, Mr. Wiseau.  Sorry to keep you waiting.  But we are swamped around here, getting everything ready for the Shakespeare festival.”  Wiseau stared at the outstretched hand until Carruthers awkwardly put it back at his side. 

“You are Mr. Carruthers?”  Wiseau asked.  “Uh, yes, I am.”  Wiseau began to walk around the office and look at the old theatrical posters hanging on the walls.  “So you are person who hasn’t been returning my calls?”  Carruthers coughed as he sat down in his chair.  “Well,  in all honesty, Mr. Wiseau, I wasn’t sure if it was really you.  I kind of thought it might have been someone’s idea of a joke.”  Wiseau turned back confused.  “Joke?  What joke?  I’m here.  I want to direct play for festival.  How that joke?”  Suddenly there was a commotion at the door, which swung open as another gentlemen in a suit and tie strode into the office.  He slammed the door behind him, blocking out Susan’s objections.  He put on an endearing smile as he made his way to Carruther’s desk.  “I’m terribly sorry to burst in like this, Mr. Carruthers’ but I simply must speak to you immediately.” 

“Look, mister,” said Carruthers, “I’m in the middle of a conference with Mr. Wiseau at the moment.”  Wiseau raised his hand.  “Hello.  I’m Mr. Wiseau.  The guy who’s having meeting.  So you can leave now.”  The man in the suit waved off the interruption and sat down across from Carruthers.  “But I’m here to help you, Mr. Carruthers.  Phil!  Can I call you Phil?  I want to do my part to make sure your Shakespeare festival will be the biggest success your theater has ever produced!” 

“That’s very kind of you, but you can’t just barge in like this!  Who even are you?”  The man in the suit held out his hand and grinned.  “Ed Wood, director.  At your service.”  Carruthers looked disbelieving at Wood.  “Seriously?  Ed Wood?  Plan 9 Ed Wood?”  Wood nodded, still smiling.  “But you did that movie over 50 years ago!” 

“And they’re still talking about it today!” Wood said proudly.  “That’s not what I meant!” said Carruthers.  “I heard you died a long time ago!”  Wood rolled his eyes.  “Haven’t you ever heard of suspension of disbelief?”  Carruthers froze in confusion.  “What does that even have to do with…” 

Wiseau walked up to the desk waving his hands in the air.  “Hello?  What is this?  Is this Twilight Zone?  You’re talking and talking and you’re acting like I’m not even here.”  Carruthers pointed to another chair that Wiseau pulled up next to Wood’s.  “I’m sorry, Mr. Wiseau, Mr. er..Woods.  But we really don’t need any director assistance with the festival.  We have 5 Shakespeare plays already having tech rehearsals right now, and in three weeks we open.” 

“But that’s plenty of time!” said Wood.  “I can put together a sixth show for you, and it will barely cost you a thing!”  Wiseau leaned in over the desk.  “Everyone knows me.  If I direct Shakespeare for you, millions of people will come see it.”  Carruthers’ threw up his hands in exasperation.  “Ok ok, fine.  What Shakespeare play would you be directing?”  Wood rose from his chair in excitement.  “Only the most beloved Shakespeare play he ever wrote!”  Wiseau rose from his chair to join him.  “Not true!  It not as beloved as mine!” 

“It’s his greatest love story!” 

“It’s classic!” 

Carruthers slammed his desk.  “Which play is it?!” 

“Romeo and Juliet!” Wiseau and Wood shouted in unison.  They paused, then turned to face each other as reality dawned.  “How you do Romeo and Juliet if I’m doing Romeo and Juliet?” asked Wiseau.  “Because you’re NOT doing Romeo and Juliet.  I’M doing Romeo and Juliet!”  Carruthers got out from his chair and went around his desk to get between the two directors.  “Look, gentlemen, neither of you are doing Romeo and Juliet.  We don’t have the time or money to put on a sixth show!” 

“Don’t worry about money,” pleaded Wiseau.  “I got money.  Come on, Mr. Carruthers.  I always want to do Shakespeare.”  Carruthers tried to usher Wiseau to the door.  “But it’s more than that.  You have to get a cast together and give them time to rehearse…”  Wiseau broke free from Carruthers’ grip.   “Don’t worry about cast.  I already have Romeo!  I’ll be Romeo!”  Wood rolled his eyes.  “Don’t be ridiculous.  I’d bet you don’t even know the first thing about Shakespeare!” 

“Oh yeah, I do!  Ask me anything!  I know any line you want to hear!”  Wood crossed his arms as glared smugly at Wiseau.  “Alright then.  Do the prologue of Romeo and Juliet.”  Wiseau’s face went blank.  He cleared his throat, and ran his fingers through his hair.  “Prologue.  Yes.  Prologue.  That’s the part at beginning, right?”  Wood smirked as Carruthers sunk back into his chair.  Wiseau cleared his throat again, then raised his arm to the ceiling dramatically as he proclaimed loudly.  “Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona, where we do the thing…”  Wood snickered as Wiseau glanced back at him.  “Do you mind?  I’m doing Shakespeare here.” 

“It’s not ‘where we do the thing’.  It’s ‘where we lay our scene’.”  Wiseau lowered his arm and shuffled back to his chair.  “What are you talking about?  I know line.  You think I don’t know Shakespeare?”  Wood turned back to Carruthers with a look of satisfaction.  “See?  Mr. Carruthers, Phil.  You don’t need someone who doesn’t understand Shakespeare.  You need someone like me to give Romeo and Juliet they respect it deserves!” 

“But how would you do that in three weeks, Mr. Wood?” asked Carruthers.  “Do you have a cast set for your production?  Do you even have a Romeo?”  Mr. Wood’s chest swelled with pride.  “Even better!  I already have a Juliet: Me!”  Carruthers and Wiseau both looked dumbfounded at Wood.  “You are going to play Juliet?” asked Carruthers.  “Why not?” asked Wood.  “In the olden days men played women all the time.  I’m already used to wearing women’s clothing anyway.  I know I’d be great!” 

“Great?!  You know great?!” interrupted Wiseau.  “Mr. Carruthers, did you see my movie?  It was great movie, right?”  Carruthers coughed and fidgeted nervously.  “Um…well….it was er…certainly very…um…unique?” Wiseau slapped in the desk.  “Yes!  It was great, unique movie!  People love my movie!  People love my movie so much they make movie about my movie!”  Wood held up his hand.  “At the risk of sounding vain, there was a film made about me, as well.  Johnny Depp really captured my exuberant spirit.”  Wiseau threw his hands in the air.  “Johnny Depp?  The pirate guy?  This is madness.  We are talking Shakespeare.  Shakespeare!  Who you want to direct Shakespeare: director or pirate?” 

“Gentlemen!” Carruthers shouted.  The two directors fell silent as Carruthers folded his hands and leaned on his desk.  “Look.  I understand you both want to take part.  I’m familiar with both of your work, and I’m certain you would create a version of Romeo and Juliet that…er…has never been seen before.  Perhaps, if the two of you could work together on the production, I might be able to give you a place in the festival?”  Wiseau and Wood looked at each other then back to Carruthers.  “ARE YOU CRAZY?!” they shouted in unison.  “There isn’t two directors!” argued Wiseau.  “There is only one director.  We are not talking producers or coffee cups.  Only one director!” 

“And I for one don’t need some drama school dropout upsetting my creative vision!” snapped Wood.  Wiseau spun on Wood angrily.  “Oh yeah?  I’m doing Romeo and Juliet!  It will be best Romeo and Juliet ever seen anywhere by anybody!  Goodbye!”  Wiseau headed for the office door with Wood right behind.  “Don’t be so sure about that, Wiseau!  I know people in this town!  Lugosi!  Welles!  They know I’m a great director!  And after my Romeo and Juliet outshines yours, you’ll never work in this town again!”  The door slammed shut, as Carruthers put his head in his hands.  Susan looked back in again on her boss.  “Was that really Tommy Wiseau?  The Room Guy?”  Carruthers nodded, head still buried in his hands.  “And the other guy was Ed Wood.”  Susan leaned on the door frame with her arms folded.  “Well what did they want?”  Carruthers leaned back in his chair and gazed up at the ceiling.  “They both wanted to do Romeo and Juliet.” 

“Together?” asked Susan.  “Nope.  Two productions of Romeo and Juliet.”  Susan looked towards the entrance of the theater where the two directors had stormed out.  “Well, if those two are wanting to do Shakespeare, you gotta think it’s going to be…er…really…um…”

“Unique?”  Susan shrugged.  “Yeah, reeeeeeally unique.”  Carruthers groaned and facepalmed, as in the streets of LA, two directors desperately started looking for actors to take part in a production of Romeo and Juliet for free. 

OK:

Tommy Wiseau: Has the same funds he had to produce The Room.  In his production, he’s playing Romeo

Ed Wood: Has the same funds he had to produce Plan 9 From Outer Space.  In his production, he’s playing Juliet

They have three weeks to cast the rest of show, rehearse and preform.  Whichever show is better (or is just the least terrible), wins. 

Game On! 

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Tommy Wiseau
Read more about Tommy Wiseau at Wikipedia
Official Site: Tommy Wiseau Links: Wikipedia Wikipedia Indiewire

Ed Wood
Read more about Ed Wood at Wikipedia
Official Site: Ed Wood (EdWood.org's site here) Links: Wikipedia Entry IMDB File on Ed Wood Cathuria.com Ed Wood page

[Twogunkid]

I feel like this is subjective... I want to go Ed Wood.

[SSJRuss]

This is hilarious. Going with Wiseau I think

[Pizzaguy2995]

Can’t go against Tommy Wiseau, The Room is still one of my favorite bad movies of all time.

[RakaiThwei]

Gotta go with Tommy Wiseau here!

[JohnnyChany]

Marvelous setup sir. I really dig the creativity. I am going with the consensu and picking Wiseau as least terrible although I think the curiosity of seeing Ed Wood portray Juliet might make it the more seen version of the two. 

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
4.50 - DSkillz
4.00 - SSJRuss
4.20 - Pizzaguy2995
5.00 - JohnnyChany
5.00 - Twogunkid

FPA Calculation:
5 Total Votes cast
22.70 Total Combined Score
22.70 / 5 = 4.54 Final Rating on the match

MATCH SCORE
Tommy Wiseau: 5
Ed Wood: 2

[Peypeypeypey]

Man, it's a shame I somehow missed this one. I think Ed Wood's show would be better. Both are monstrously inept showrunners, but Ed Wood seems to be the more passionate of the two

[broadwaybeyonder]

THE BOTTOM LINE

An excerpt from the LA Theatrical Review

This past weekend, I was unfortunate to be exposed to something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  And as a theater critic, that covers a lot of ground.  I attended two productions of “Romeo and Juliet” that were being presented in conjunction with the Sparrow’s Flight Theater’s Shakespeare Festival.  There was a great deal of buzz surrounding these productions, due to them being directed and featuring performances by Tommy Wiseau and Ed Wood Jr.  As for myself, I must confess that my expectations were decidedly low.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.   My expectations were not low enough. 

The first “Romeo and Juliet” I viewed was Mr. Wiseau’s offering.  Apparently, over the course of the three week whirlwind of rehearsals, Mr. Wiseau believed that he would be better suited to play the role of Romeo’s friend Mercutio.  The role does tend to fit Mr. Wiseau’s manic tendencies, and many people noted how similar the performance was to his portrayal of Johnny in “The Room”.  However, Mr. Wiseau apparently decided that he could still play Romeo, as well, leading to some rather unusual costume changes as he switched between characters and even had the characters talk to each other while he played both parts. 

As for Mr. Wood, while I applaud his courage and commitment by playing the role of Juliet in his version of the Bard’s tragedy, unfortunately it was undercut by him not being a convincing romantic lead.  The scenery was not particularly convincing either, in particular during the sword fight between Mercutio and Tybalt when one of the walls fell down on the actors.  None of the actors seemed to feel comfortable performing their lines, particularly Romeo (his real name will not be revealed to protect his identity), who just looked unable to exude the love and romance to a Juliet wearing a mustache. 

In conclusion, while both productions suffered from a lack of rehearsal time, and both struggled with memorization of their lines, at the very least Mr. Wiseau’s ramblings were able to keep a constant dramatic flow, while Mr. Wood seemed to just grow more and more frustrated as his actors fumbled. So for those who ask me, “Who put on the better show?”, I would begrudgingly say Mr. Wiseau.  But I would not advise going to watch it.  Save your hard earned money and go see any of the other Shakespeare plays presented by Sparrow’s Flight this year, all of which feature talented actors and competent directors.  As for Mr. Wiseau and Mr. Wood, may I quote from the Bard and say this:

“A plague o’ both your houses!” 

Calvin Patterson, theater critic, LA Theatrical Review 

[Twogunkid]

10/10 Bottomline write up. Wiseau doing the Queen Mab monologue might actually be good.