Match 18648 Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs. Xena

[broadwaybeyonder]

*THE FOLLOWING BROADCAST IS BEING PRESENTED BY THE TRANSDIMENSIONAL COMBAT COMMISSION THROUGH THE BENEVOLENCE OF THE 9.  ALL COMBATANTS MUST AGREE TO FOLLOW TCC GUIDELINES AT ALL TIMES.  VIOLATION OF GUIDELINES WILL RESULT IN PUNISHMENT, DEATH, AND SUSPENSION.  SAFETY OF ATENDEES IS NOT GUARANTEED.* 

Crowley: Hello, boys and girls.  That’s right, we’re back.  It’s Crowley, the king of Hell, and Jareth, the king of hair product. 

Jareth: Excuse me? 

Crowley: Oh.  I mean, the king of goblins, of course. 

Jareth: Listen, Cowley…

Crowley: That’s Crowley. 

Jareth: Yes.  If I were you, I’d stick to commentating on this battle.  I am not in the mood. 

Crowley: Aww, somebody still salty about being chucked into a bottomless pit by a misshapen Goonie? 

Jareth: Don’t try my patience, demon! 

Crowley: Alright, alright.  Don’t get your tights in a knot.  This match-up should get you in a better mood.  Two women who have been called the toughest birds of the 90s: it’s the Slayer Buffy Summers vs the Warrior Princess Xena! 

Jareth: Hmph.  I suppose that may prove… diverting.  Two strong spirited competitors, known for battling overwhelming odds. 

Crowley: Now you’re talking.  Earlier today, the Misfits were sent to get an interview with Xena.  Here’s what happened when they visited the Warrior Princess’ dressing room. 

Pizzazz: Hold that camera steady, geek! 

Screech: I’m tryin’, Pizzazz!  It’s heavy! 

Roxy: You’ll be wearing it on your head if you don’t film us right! 

Screech: Ok, ok!  And we’re rollin’! 

Pizzazz: Hey, losers!  It’s Pizzazz!  Here to get you TCC freaks another backstage scoop!  We’re about to get a one-on-one interview with Xena!  I actually was originally cast to play Xena on the show, but that bimbo Lucy Lawless snaked it from me. 

Stormer: Oh wow! 

Jetta: Oh brother.  

Pizzazz: Clam up!  Ahem.  I’ll just knock on her door and…

Screech: Hey!  The door’s unlocked! 

Roxy: Thanks a lot, Sherlock. 

Stormer: She must be out training for the fight or something. 

Pizzazz: This is even better!  Come on with that camera, Screech! 

Stormer: I don’t know if you should be in there, Pizzazz. 

Pizzazz: Of course I am!  I’m an interviewer, right?  Like a reporter!  I can go wherever I want!  Oooo!  Get a load of this! 

Roxy: Isn’t that that frisbee thing Xena fights with? 

Screech: It’s called a chakram. 

Pizzazz: No one asked you, creep!  I worked with this thing for weeks when I was trying out for the show. 

Jetta: Ha!  Tell another one! 

Pizzazz: You calling me a liar?  Fine!  I’ll show you!  Ha! 

SCHWING! 

Jetta: Hey! 

Stormer: Watch it! 

CRASH!  CRASH!  SCHWING! 

Roxy: Grab that thing before it wrecks the whole room! 

Pizzazz: Are you nuts?!  I’m not getting standing in the way of that…

Stormer: Look out! 

CLANG! 

Roxy: Whoa!  It’s pinned to the wall! 

Jetta: By a… stick? 

Buffy: A stake, actually. 

Stormer: Whoa!  Buffy Summers! 

Buffy: Yep, that would be me.  And who are you people? 

Pizzazz: I am Pizzazz, and these are the Misfits. 

Screech: Ahem. 

Pizzazz: Oh.  And Screech. 

Buffy: Oh, right.  You’re the clowns the 9 hired to do the backstage interviews. 

Roxy: Who you calling a clown, shorty? 

Buffy:  Hmm.  Let’s see.  Could it be the group of grown women who looked like they stuck their hair in all 31 of Baskin-Robbins flavors? 

Jetta: Take that back, brat, or we’ll…

Xena: What is all this? 

Stormer: Xena! 

Screech: Uh oh. 

Xena: Hello, Buffy.  I hope you’re ready for the battle tonight. 

Buffy: Don’t worry about me.  Sorry that your best leather onesie is about to get all messed up. 

Xena: Ha!  You might just be a challenge after all.  But speaking of mess, what happened to my room? 

Buffy: Well, the thing is…

Pizzazz: Oh, look at the time!  We need to get back to the control room!  Move, Misfits! 

Screech: But what about the interv…

Pizzazz: Just shut up and move it! 

Jareth: And another Misfits interview becomes a disaster. 

Crowley: Don’t worry, we can pay for the damage to the room by taking it out of their salaries.  But enough about the Misfits!  It’s almost time for our two ladies to go to war.  The battle terrain has already been formatted, and the map has been chosen.  It is Sunnydale High, Buffy’s school, but it has been combined with a jungle forest terrain.  Vines and branches break through walls and the whole place isn’t looking all that sturdy. 

Jareth: Moreso the challenge for our combatants.  Buffy enters the school from the east entrance, and Xena from the west.  Xena has her sword and chakram, and Buffy has her trusty stake and a longsword of her own.  And, say, Comley…

Crowley: Crowley. 

Jareth: If this is a replica of Buffy’s school, doesn’t that mean that more vampire hunting weapons are hidden in the library? 

Crowley: Why of course.  The 9 are nothing if not thorough.  And here we go!  Buffy and Xena have spotted each other.  They’re holding their weapons at the ready!  Here’s the official! 

Referee: Combatants ready?  3!  2!  1!  Commence combat! 

Xena: AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!!!! 

 

OK:

Xena and Buffy are at full strength. 

Xena has her sword and chakram, Buffy has her sword and stake.  

They are battling in a ruined version of Sunnydale High. 

First to immobilize their opponent, wins. 

Game On! 

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Read more about Buffy the Vampire Slayer at Wikipedia
Official Site: 20th Century Fox Television Links: Buffy Summers Wikipedia page Buffy the Vampire Slayer Wikipedia page Buffy the Vampire Slayer imdb page

Xena
Read more about Xena at Wikipedia
Official Site: Universal Studios Links: Wikipedia Amphipolis Village Xenaverse Britannia

[leroypowell3]

I never watched either of these shows but just at a glance I would think Xena would be more powerful.

[RakaiThwei]

I would definitely wager Xena.

[Mercenaryblade]

Xena definitely is the better swordswoman, if it starts out as a swordfight I see her takin it. 

[RakaiThwei]

On 11/10/2022 at 3:27 AM, Mercenaryblade said:

Xena definitely is the better swordswoman, if it starts out as a swordfight I see her takin it. 

Pretty much this, and she's fought enemies who are leagues above Buffy's enemies and what she's fought.

[DSkillz]

Another good battledome-style set-up, broadway. Hah, I like the commentary and dialogue here!  

As for the match, as it stands, Xena takes this. She's more skilled and has lots more experience than Buffy. If this were Buffy from some of the post-show comics, though, it would likely be another story. 

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
5.00 - StormChaser
3.00 - patrickthekid
4.60 - DSkillz

FPA Calculation:
3 Total Votes cast
12.60 Total Combined Score
12.60 / 3 = 4.20 Final Rating on the match

MATCH SCORE
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: 2
Xena: 3

[broadwaybeyonder]

THE BOTTOM LINE

Crowley: Xena somersaults through the air and lets her sword come crashing down on Buffy who just barely dodges it! 

Jareth: Buffy seems taken aback by the fury of Xena’s charge.  She able to parry her strikes but there’s a kick from Xena!  Buffy drops to a knee! 

Crowley: Xena rushes in but OOH!  Buffy whips out the stake and stabs it into Xena’s leg!   The Warrior Princess screams in pain and Buffy jumps back to her feet! 

Buffy: Never underestimate a pointy stick! 

Xena: UGH!  You’ll pay for that! 

Buffy: Come and get me, She-Ra! 

Jareth: Buffy’s ‘wit’ finding it’s mark!  Xena is fuming as she rips out the stake and bandages the wound, leaving Buffy free to get some distance!  She swings on one of the vines over a chasm that is opened up in the hallway.  But look!  Xena has pulled out the chakram! 

Crowley: Duck! 

SCHWING! 

Crowley: Damn!  It’s ricocheting off the lockers like a pinball!  Slices through the vine and forces Buffy to leap the rest of the way to the other side!  The chakram flies back to Xena who is powering through her injury to pursue Buffy!  Buffy ducks into the library and slams the door! 

Jareth: Xena’s looking to follow, but with the vine cut, there’s none long enough for her to… 

Xena: YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI! 

Jareth: She’s going for it! 

Crowley: She’s trying to leap the chasm!  NO!  She missed it!  Barely catching a hold of the edge!  Do you think that bottomless pit is more or less deep than the one you fell in, Jerry? 

Jareth: That’s Jareth, Crudely. 

Crowley: That’s Crowley, Je… Oh to hell with it.  Xena’s climbed to safety and is making her way to the door!  She kicks it open and… 

SWISSSSH! 

Xena: Arrgh!    

Jareth: It appears Buffy has found the weapons cache!  She’s got a hold of a crossbow and nailed Xena in the shoulder! 

Crowley: The blonde knows how good of a fighter Xena is.  She has to take any advantage she can get!  Buffy has a fresh stake in one hand and her sword in the other. 

Buffy: You know, you could just surrender.  We don’t have to kill each other for these guys. 

Xena: No.  We both accepted this challenge.  To the end. 

Buffy: Huh.  Yeah, that’s kind of my thing too.  Let’s finish it. 

Crowley: Buffy advances with the sword, but Xena blocks with her own!  Buffy’s going for the stake again, but Xena catches her by the wrist!  The two are struggling for position!  A roar from Xena and a kick to the gut sends Buffy flying into a bookcase! 

Jareth: Xena collapses from the strain!  She’s going for the chakram!  Buffy is reaching for the stake! 

Crowley: They’re both looking to throw! 

Buffy: HAAAAAAA!  

Xena: AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI! 

THUNK! 

Jareth: Oooh.  Nasty! 

Crowley: Suffice to say, folks, Buffy missed her shot.  Xena didn’t.  Buffy’s stake is embedded in the door behind a collapsed Xena, and the chakram is stuck in a bookcase… separating Buffy’s pretty head from her neck! 

Referee: Your Winner: Xena!

Crowley: Now that’s what I call a finish!  Maybe this will get those whiny fanboys to stop complaining about the Nine, eh, Jareth? 

Jareth: Meh, you may be right, Scowley. 

Crowley: IT’S CROWLEY, YOU PONCY TWIT!  Ugh.  That’s it, fight’s over.  Good night and get out of here. 

Screech: Soooo, Pizzazz, does this mean when it comes to who gets medical attention first, Buffy will be given a... head start? 

Misfits: SHUT UP, SCREECH!