Match 19543 William Lennox vs. Laserbeak

[leroypowell3]

Megastory 27

 

 

 

The alert was noticed right away. Someone had broken the Decepticon code. The Autobots did this all the time, but this was something terran originated.

The broken code went out into their primitive internet and had to be purged. Then they had to find the source. The human that had broken the code. Someone with that knowledge would be useful to the native population, creating even more enemies for the Decpticons to have to deal with.

An agent was sent…

 

 

Chip Chase knew something was wrong when he woke up the next day and found that his broken code had been destroyed. He didn’t know what code he had broken but if it was purged from the internet overnight, someone didn’t want this thing out there.

Right after breakfast, there was a knock at at the door. Not the inventive type but liking the convenience of it, Chip activated the auto door opener.

Two men- one a mean looking army type white guy. The other an older black guy who was obviously not combat ready.

“Hi the white guy smiled like it hurt him to do so. My name is Captain Lennox. This is Agent Fowler. We’re here for a Mr. Chip Chase.”

“That’s me.” This wasn’t the first time Chip had gotten the attention of the authorities. “What did I do this time?”

Captain Lennox seemed relieved that he could get right to the point.

“We picked up your code. This thing could be dangerous.”

“It’s been destroyed. Totally purged from the internet.” Chip explained.

“We know.” The black guy- Fowler- said. “That’s what really made us concerned. You’ve gotta have a hard copy or something right?”

Chip withdrew his openness, not answering at all.

Lennox came back. “I’m going to level with you. I’ve seen this kind of thing before. Somebody or something is going to be after this information. Hate to do this to you pal but we’re going to have to bring you in.”

“What does that mean?” Chip asked.

“That means we’re in for an adventure.” Lennox answered but he seemed interested in something beyond the two of them.

“You see something?” Fowler tensed.

“No. This is just the part where the bad guys attack.”

Lennox was carrying was sidearm and his hand creeped in the holster’s direction.

To satisfy his nervousness, a cassette tape laying on the Chip’s table suddenly transformed into a metallic condor.

“Which one is that?” Lennox asked.

“Laserbeak.” Fowler said.

Lennox wasn’t new but he didn’t get the intelligence reports that Agent Fowler did. Individual Decepticons didn’t matter as much for Lennox’s roll. He just killed them.

This Laserbeak was small by most Cybertronian standards. His bird form suggested a spy designation which probably meant he was not too powerful.

Lennox attempted to test his sidearm to see if conventional bullets would penetrate Laserbeak’s metal. The bird was fast and evaded each round.

It impressively maneuvered around in the small apartment circling back and returned fire with the cannons on its back. The cannons were overpowered for its size.

Wisdom prepared them for this sort of thing. Fowler rolled Chip Chase out of the apartment while Lennox engaged the Decepticon. This is the real reason why he was here.

When Laserbeak saw his target getting away, he pursued. Lennox took the opportunity to get a little better gear from the car as well as call for back up.

But until they got there. Laserbeak was all his.

 

 

Fight Parameters:

 

Laserbeak is out to kill Chip Chase.

 

Agent Fowler is helping Chip get away while Lennox engages Laserbeak.

 

Laserbeak wins if he can get through Lennox.

 

Lennox wins by killing or at least driving off Laserbeak.

 

[Callisto]

Learn More About
William Lennox
Read more about William Lennox at Wikipedia
Official Site: Paramount Pictures Links: Wikipedia William Lennox - Transformers Wiki William Lennox - TF Wiki

Laserbeak
Read more about Laserbeak at Wikipedia
Official Site: Hasbro Links: Wikipedia transformerswikia teletraan 1

[DSkillz]

Gotta watch these Michael Bay Transformers films one day soon. I actually have the first one recorded in my house. 

Pretty good entry, leroy. If you're trying for your best grades, though, I think you want to check for quoting errors early in the characters' conversation. 

As for the match, from what I've seen from clips of the Bay films, the Transformers in those films seem to go down to conventional heavy-duty military hardware. Since this is G1 Laserbeak, though, I don't think he's going down that easily since human weapons merely bounced off of Transformers in the '80's 'toon most of the time. Since Laserbeak's also one of the competent Decepticons, I think this Lennox dude's in trouble. 

[MistressOfWords]

Hello.

So there are a good amount of grammatical errors throughout which make it more choppy/jarring to read.  It also reads kinda flat because there isn't a lot of description and you do a lot of telling rather than showing.  A perfect example is the whole "Lennox attempted to test his sidearm..." paragraph.  Fix the grammar, add description so the reader can picture what's happening, and show instead of tell--then you'll have a much improved piece of writing.  The last thing is that some of it left me with questions.  Why didn't laserbeak already kill the hacker?  Why did it wait for on the table for opponents to arrive instead?  Why didn't the Laserbeak's cannons destroy/damage the house our heros were trying to escape since presumably it missed them?  How did Lennox have time to go to his car and leisurely collect better supplies and call for help since laserbeak is an expert flyer and im sure was much faster than the other guy getting the hacker to the car?  

Overall a good entry.  If I remember correctly they are both debut characters though which is good, and their reason for fighting, though simple, definitely makes sense and is plausible.   The opening segment is interesting and well written, you did really good there.  

I'm sure Lennox has the ability to drive off the Decepticon ultimately as he has the military behind him and I assume he helped defeat decepticons in the movie, but I don't see what's stopping Laserbeak from just, like, flying off and cannoning the car the hacker is riding in and killing him, to be honest.

[DSkillz]

^Heh, you might want to heed the lady's word's, @leroypowell3. I haven't rated the match yet myself, and others may look in on it, too. 

Man, @MistressOfWords, you would've fit in with the old FPL, and I don't mind it.  I hope I get this good a critique on my match, if I get it in on time. 

[IKA]

When writing a story into a challenge it is important to clean up as much as you can in editing. This was filled with Grammatical errors and spelling mistakes a few of which were spelled correctly within the same paragraph. This does tear away a bit from the reading, and I couldn't understand some parts because it made my text-to-speech hard to understand. 

The thing is I really do like the story you are telling here, and I know it is part of a much bigger story. However, I do feel like that handicaps the story you are telling right now a bit because without reading the rest you don't really know why things are fully happening, this can be a bit hard for people who would see this in a vacuum. 

On top of that, I do agree with MistressOfWords about the "show, don't tell", something I really struggle with myself. Here's a question I had, what made the older black guy look like he obviously wasn't combat-ready? It may be obvious to the narrator here, but without a description, I could come up with too many interpretations that may break later on in the reading. 

All that doesn't mean I didn't like this though. I'm giving it a 4.0

[Pizzaguy2995]

It was a little short and had more then a couple of grammatical errors, but I’m a sap for Transformers so I’ll give you good grade anyways.

Just uploaded my own entry into the Writer’s Challenge, so may the best writer win Leroy. Good luck.

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
4.70 - Boratz
4.00 - Pizzaguy2995
3.80 - DSkillz
4.00 - IKA
4.00 - broadwaybeyonder
3.50 - MistressOfWords

FPA Calculation:
6 Total Votes cast
24.00 Total Combined Score
24.00 / 6 = 4.00 Final Rating on the match

MATCH SCORE
William Lennox: 3
Laserbeak: 6

[MistressOfWords]

@DSkillz

I wasn't on the old site so hopefully that's not a bad thing lol.  I'm friends with IKA and he's been asking me to join the writers challenge for awhile; I'm finally settled in at my new job so I figured I'd give it a shot.  I write, not published yet but working on it, so I know good writing and what it takes to produce it; that's why I'm able to give comments like that.  This is a really fun thing, so I don't want to just dump on anyone I like to nudge them in the right direction instead, keep everything fun and help people improve.  I see you made a post so I'll make sure to read and rate

[DSkillz]

6 hours ago, MistressOfWords said:

@DSkillz

I wasn't on the old site so hopefully that's not a bad thing lol.  I'm friends with IKA and he's been asking me to join the writers challenge for awhile; I'm finally settled in at my new job so I figured I'd give it a shot.  I write, not published yet but working on it, so I know good writing and what it takes to produce it; that's why I'm able to give comments like that.  This is a really fun thing, so I don't want to just dump on anyone I like to nudge them in the right direction instead, keep everything fun and help people improve.  I see you made a post so I'll make sure to read and rate

Nah, a good writing critique is always a good thing, IMO. The regulars of the old FPL section of the site actually often gave tougher critiques than you have so far, IIRC, but it was all for the betterment of the site's writing as a whole and the users' writing as well.