Match 19625 Pooh (Blood and Honey) vs. Cocaine Bear

[Pizzaguy2995]

Pooh (Blood and Honey) vs Cocaine Bear

 

What scares you the most? A creepy ghost waiting to sneak up behind behind you? The killer clown with the wide grin? The masked serial killer with the sharp machete or butter knife fingers? 

A stylized killer with a convoluted backstory and near supernatural abilities is all fine and good, but sometimes it’s just scarier to be stalked by something a bit more grounded and primal. By something that doesn’t view you as special, unique or human, but as simply meat to be eaten…

 

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“That was so messed up! That little man was an expert on bears, but he didn't know that bear was the cocaine bear!”

 

“Alright Henry shut up for a minute! Now I need you to tell me what happened to Dee Dee? What happened to my daughter?”

 

“I don’t know Mrs. Sari! We got separated after the bear attacked us. I didn’t see anyone else until you, the little man, and the ranger lady came and-“

 

A branch snap caused both Sari and Henry to freeze! They glanced around fearfully, looking around the forest for any sign of the creature that had just killed wildlife expert Peter. After a few seconds of tense silence, the sounds of thundering footsteps and ferocious roar signaled the approach of the doped up apex predator!

 

“Run Henry! Run!”

 

Sari and Henry fled down the trail, running as fast as they could! But no matter how fast they ran the sounds of breaking branches and savage growls kept getting closer and closer! Until finally the two tripped on an unrooted tree trunk, and unable to get to their feet in time the two could do little more then scream as the giant mass of fur and teeth finally caught up to them!

 

TIIIIISSSSSSS

 

The Cocaine Bear bellowed in pain and clawed at it’s face as a white spray cloud got into it’s eyes, causing it great pain and discomfort!

 

“Come with me! Hurry!”

 

A newcomer with a foreign accent grabbed Sari and Henry by their arms and quickly dragged them deeper into the forest, away from the Cocaine Bear, still writhing in pain.

 

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The sun was starting to set by the time the stranger got Sari and Henry to his admittedly sketchy looking cabin. He ushered them inside Evans locked the door behind him just as it had gotten dark.

 

“Are you two alright? Are you hurt?” The stranger asked his two guests.

 

“Oh thank the Lord for you mister! I thought we was gonna die for sure!” Sari thanked their savior. 

 

“Oh piss posh, it was nothing love. My name is Christopher by the way. Christopher Robin,” said the newly introduced Christopher Robin.

 

“So are you wizard or something?” Henry asked.

 

“Wut? Whut are you on about you mingy brat?” Christopher Robin demanded.

 

“You talk funny. You sound like Harry Potter or some shit,” Henry explained.

 

“Uh I’m British. We all sound like that,” Christopher Robin sternly said.

 

“So you all sound like gay wizards who never went through puberty?” Henry naively asked.

 

“Henry that’s enough out of you! Now just because this man’s voice sounds gayer then cum on a mustache does not make it okay to make fun of him for it,” Sari tried to scold the child.

 

“I’m not gay! Not that there’s anything wrong with that of course. I had a wife for God’s sake!” Christopher Robin exclaimed before taking a calming breath. “Look would any of you be of acquaintance to a Ms. Dee Dee by any chance?”

 

“You know my daughter? Where is she? Tell me!” Sari demanded as she grabbed Christopher by the collar.

 

“Mama? Is that really you?” Came Dee Dee’s voice as she appeared from the other room.

 

“Oh my baby girl!” Sari exclaimed in joy as she threw her arms around her daughter.

 

“I’m okay Mama. The homosexual wizard saved me from the fucked up bear,” Dee Dee explained.

 

“So this is what I get for being a hero, brilliant,” a somewhat bitter Christopher sighed in disgust. “Look I’ll take you all back into town as soon as it’s morning again, but you have to promise you won’t tell anyone you saw me or come looking for me ever again.”

 

“You’re staying out here with the Cocaine Bear? Are you fucked in the head?” Dee Dee asked Christopher.

 

“Dee Dee language! Now Mr. Christopher, are you fucked in the head? You can’t stay out here with that monster around!” Sari exclaimed in worry.

 

“I’ll take my chances! I cannot afford to go anywhere public! He followed me here all the way from England. I can’t risk anyone else getting hurt because of me.” Christopher Robin sadly explained.

 

“Who’s he exactly?” Dee Dee asked.

 

“Is he your boyfriend Chris?” Henry snickered.

 

“That’s none of your concern you little wanker. And that’s all I’ll say for tonight. Now as long of none of you lot go outside for tonight we should all be-“

 

“HELP! LET US IN! LET US IN!” 

 

The four people in the cabin jumped as from the front door the sounds of two men pounding on the door, begging to be let in sounded!

 

“Oh bugger it all! There’s more of you?” Christopher asked.

 

“Ranger Liz must have sent help back for us after all!” Sari exclaimed hopefully, opening the door before Christopher Robin could stop her.

 

“Oh fuck me sideways man! It-it killed my daddy Daveed! It killed that detective fella as well!” The white stranger exclaimed in horror.

 

“I know that Eddie! I was there you dipshit!” Daveed, the black man, scoffed at his companion.

 

‘Y’all saw the Cocaine Bear also?” Henry asked.

 

“That thing wasn’t a fucking bear! It could walk on two legs, it carried a fucking knife on it!” Eddie near shouted.

 

“What did you say? What did you bloody say?” Christopher Robin face drained of color as he realized who the newcomers were talking about. “Did he follow you? Is he close by? Where the fuck did you last see him?”

 

“Hey calm the hell down man! I don’t know where it is now! Why, do you know it?” Daveed  suspiciously asked.

 

“Is he the one who followed you all the way to Georgia?” Dee Dee asked Christopher Robin.

 

“(Sighs) his name is Winnie the Pooh. I found him when I was a child. We-we used to play together in the woods, alongside Piglet, Eeyore and the others. I feed them food and-“

 

“Hey man you’re not supposed to feed wild animals! That’s illegal!” Eddie suddenly interrupted.

 

“I AM NOT GONNA A LEGAL LESSON FROM A DRUG DEALER! Now as I was saying one day I was forced to grow up and leave Pooh and the others in the woods. Something happened to them while I was gone, they-they turned rabid and-and killed my wife and several other girls!” Christopher Robin tearfully explained.

 

“Wow Chris you abandoned your pets alone in the woods for years and then expected them to be A-okay about it? You’re kinda a piece of shit aren’t ya?” Henry surmised.

 

“Oh come off that! Look the point is if Pooh’s here then we all have to leave before-“

 

The lights to the cabin were suddenly snapped off all at the same time, leaving them all in darkness.

 

“Mama what happened?” Dee Dee asked fearfully.

 

“Oh God! Mr. Robin what is going on?” Sari demanded from the Brit.

 

“Shhhh! He’s here. He’s found me,” Christopher Robin’s voice shook with terror.

 

SMASH!

 

Several screams sounded out as one of the windows were smashed open!

 

CRASH!

 

The humans screamed again as the sound of broken windows and banging walls were all around them now!

 

“WHERE IS HE? Where the fuck is that freak?!” Daveed demanded as no one could see where the demented Pooh Bear was.

 

“Listen it’s-it’s-it’s me he wants not all of you. If I give myself up maybe there’s a chance he lets the rest of you go,” Christopher Robin finally offered.

 

“Fine by me man! Go on and sacrifice yourself to that fucking man-bear freak-show,” Eddie needed no further convincing.

 

“Chris no! He’ll kill you!” Dee Dee seemed to be the only one who objected to Christopher’s decision.

 

“I’m-I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I got all of you into this,” Christopher Robin sadly said before standing and making for the door.

 

“No! Don’t do it!” A weeping Dee Dee had to be restrained by her mother.

 

“POOOOOOOOH! POOH BEAR!” Christopher Robin shouted into the darkness once he left the safety of the cabin. “I’m here Pooh! You’ve found me alright? I’m right here! Now just-just come on out and let’s h-h-have ourselves a chat, yes?”

 

Christopher Robin desperately looked around for any signs of the formerly “silly old bear” before his foot slipped on an uneven patch of dirt and he feel flat on his face! Christopher cursed and reached blindly to feel for his foot in the darkness. But a series of large, heavy pants made his blood run ice cold in an instant and the Englishman looked up to see the figure that he had been fleeing from for the last 2 years: his oldest childhood friend, Winnie the Pooh.

 

“Pooh… Oh Pooh Bear… I’m sorry Pooh. I’m sorry I left you all those years ago. I know I can’t take it back but I’m sorry alright? You were my best friend Pooh. You the best friend I could have ever asked for and you deserved a far better friend than me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…” Christopher Robin kept repeating that last phrase as Pooh now stood over him.

 

“I…had…better….friend…..and he’s dead…..because…..of you!” Winnie the Pooh said as he raised his butcher knife high above the sobbing Christopher!

 

“HEY SHIT ASS! SUCK ON THIS YOU FAT BASTARD!” 

 

A piece of white brick hit Pooh square in the face! Turning into a white cloud on impact and coating itself all over the feral hybrid.

 

“WHAT THE FOOK ARE YOU DOING?” Christopher Robin yelled desperately at the little girl who had followed him outside.

 

“Calling in the Calvary,” Dee smiled confidently.

 

Pooh wiped the white stuff off of his face, feeling more than a little tingly as he unintentionally sniffed in the white powder. Ignoring that feeling for now, the savage crossbred was ready to attack the little girl who had interfered in his revenge when a menacing growl sounded behind him.

 

SNIFF! SNIFF! SNIFF!

 

The large American black bear took a big wiff of the strange yellow creature and smelled her new favorite food all over it.

 

RRRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!

 

The Cocaine Bear launched herself at Winnie the Pooh and the battle began!

 

“Holy fucking hell! What the fuck kinda ultimate showdown is that!?” Eddie exclaimed as the group watched the fight.

 

“I don’t know! But I ain’t waiting to see who wins!” Daveed said and quickly fled into the woods.

 

“Dee Dee! C’mon hurry!” Sari called out to her daughter.

 

“Get up you fucking dumbass! We gotta get out of here!” Dee Dee tried her best to tug Christopher Robin to his feet, the limey doctor almost enraptured by the epic clash of roars, snarls and tearing flesh!

 

“I’m sorry Pooh. I really am,” Christopher Robin sadly said as he finally got up and followed Dee Dee and the others away from the bellowing sounds of two apex predators fighting to the death!

 

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Okay so it’s Pooh from the 2023 indie Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey vs the Cocaine Bear from Cocaine Bear 2023. Pooh has his butcher knife and Cocaine Bear has her teeth and claws. Who wins?

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Pooh (Blood and Honey)
Read more about Pooh (Blood and Honey) at Wikipedia
Official Site: Altitude Films Links: Wikipedia

Cocaine Bear
Read more about Cocaine Bear at Wikipedia
Official Site: Universal Pictures Links: Wikipedia

[Pizzaguy2995]

Some clips for those of you who didn’t get a chance to see these underrated horror gems:

 

[Mercenaryblade]

Nice idea! I think I'll go with Pooh as he did the usual slasher BS of surviving an otherwise fatal wound. 

[JohnnyChany]

I'll take the tweaked out manic ferocity of cocaine bear for the win!

[Culwych1]

That was a bloody hilarious writeup! Cocaine Bear I reckon for the win.

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
4.00 - patrickthekid
4.70 - Boratz
5.00 - Mercenaryblade
5.00 - Venom 2009
3.90 - broadwaybeyonder
5.00 - Culwych1
4.50 - JohnnyChany

FPA Calculation:
7 Total Votes cast
32.10 Total Combined Score
32.10 / 7 = 4.59 Final Rating on the match

MATCH SCORE
Pooh (Blood and Honey): 2
Cocaine Bear: 6