Match 20419 Dick Dastardly vs. Boris Badenov & Natasha Fatale

[broadwaybeyonder]

NARRATOR: And now it’s time for another chapter in the seemingly never-ending Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle!  In our last episode Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle Moose were once again successful in stopping the schemes of those notorious do-badders Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale.  Today, we begin in the spies’ lair: a broken-down shack on the outskirts of their home country of Pottsylvania.  Inside we find Natasha laid out on a couch, nursing a headache brought about by her and Boris once again being on the wrong side of an exploding bomb. 

NATASHA: Bomb explosion number 1,352, dollinks. 

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Boris Badenov paces the floor, angrily shouting his frustration at his plans being foiled again. 

BORIS: Foiled again!  Curses!  Drat!  Darn!  PHOOEY! 

NATASHA: Boris dollink, I appreciate your way with words, but must you be so loud now? 

BORIS: Of course, Natasha my dear!  We are on Internet now! 

NATASHA: So? 

BORIS: So, on Internet we can say and do whatever we want as loud as we want! 

NATASHA: Really?  Boris, you wouldn’t lie to me, would you? 

BORIS: Of course I would.  Just not this time. 

NATASHA: On Internet we can really be as bad as we like?  And no one will stop us?  

BORIS: Not even moose and squirrel!  Heh heh!  

NATASHA: Ah, Boris dollink!  This Internet is Paradise! 

BORIS: No it ain’t!  If it was, we wouldn’t be here!  Heh heh heh! 

NARRATOR: Before Boris and Natasha could set about giving the Internet an even worse reputation than it already has, their television set turned on by itself.  The screen was soon filled with the face of their boss: the supreme ruler of Pottsylvania, Fearless Leader! 

NATASHA: Boris!  Look!  The television! 

BORIS: Ah, it’s no problem!  It just short circuit.  We must be picking up some late-night horror movie!  Who’d watch such an ugly looking creature? 

FEARLESS LEADER: It’s me, Badenov, you bungling bozo! 

BORIS: Whoops!  Er, heh heh.  A thousand sorrys, Fearless Leader!  I was actually talking about myself!  You see, I see reflection of my face in the… 

FEARLESS LEADER: Oh shut up, Badenov! 

BORIS:  Shutting up, Fearless Leader. 

NATASHA: To what do we owe the pleasure, Fearless Leader? 

FEARLESS LEADER: I am here to give you two your next mission!  A mission of utmost importance to the future of Pottsylvania! 

BORIS: We are ready to do our worst, Fearless Leader! 

FEARLESS LEADER: That’s what I’m afraid of.  Now listen closely!  It has come to my attention that the other nations of the world have begun to have very low opinions of Pottsylvania. 

NATASHA: Why not?  We take pride in sinking lower than anybody! 

FEARLESS LEADER: For which you have my insincere congratulations!  However, if I am to expand my rule, we need other countries to respect us.  To fear us!  And that can’t happen when those stuffed shirts at the UN snicker whenever someone mentions the word Pottsylvania!  And you know why they don’t take us seriously? 

NATASHA: We keep losing to moose and squirrel? 

FEARLESS LEADER: NO!  But that doesn’t help.  No, the truth is that the nations of the world do not truly grasp how powerful Pottsylvania is!  Our technological might!  Our mechanical genius! 

BORIS: We have mechanical genius?  Gee, what a relief!  I thought he been shot by firing squad! 

NATASHA: Oh, sharrap your mouth, dollink. 

FEARLESS LEADER: Which brings us to my plan!   A plan that will show the unsurpassed power of precision Pottsylvanian engineering!  You, Boris and Natasha, will drive the most perfectly designed car Pottsylvania has produced… in the Wacky Races! 

BORIS: The what? 

NATASHA: Wacky Races, dollink.  A crowd of crazy capitalists in a cross-country clash across the continents. 

FEARLESS LEADER: Excellent use of exposition and alliteration, Fatale. 

NATASHA: Don’t mention it, Fearless Leader. 

FEARLESS LEADER: And there is no better place to prove the superiority of Pottsylvania automotive might!  This time the Wacky Races will run from Chicago to the St. Louis Arch!  The two of you will be entered into the race, and when you win the world will know now and forever that Pottsylvania is unstoppable! 

NATASHA: But there is one small problem, Fearless Leader. 

FEARLESS LEADER: And just what problem is that? 

NATASHA: Pottsylvania is not allowed to compete in any sports.  We’ve been banned from the Olympics, FIFA…. 

FEARLESS LEADER: Snobs. 

BORIS: Bowling, darts, esports…

NATASHA: We can’t even get into a game of tiddlywinks. 

FEARLESS LEADER: Details!  All you have to do is register under an assumed country.  Then you can reveal that your car is a Pottsylvanian car when you win! 

BORIS: Oh, of course!  Truly brilliant idea, Fearless Leader! 

NATASHA: Brown noser. 

BORIS: What’s that, Natasha? 

NATASHA: Oh, nothing, Boris dollink. 

FEARLESS LEADER: The car will be delivered to your hideout by the end of the day.  The race is in 3 weeks.  You will use that time to master that car.  Because if you don’t win this race, I will make sure you two buffoons will be run OVER BY IT!  For the glory of Pottsylvania!  Hail! 

BORIS: Hail! 

NATASHA: Gang’s all here? 

BORIS: … Natasha, you know I’m your dollink, but could you do one thing? 

NATASHA: Anything, dollink! 

BORIS: SHARRAP YOUR MOUTH! 

ANNOUNCER: 3 weeks later, the crowds have gathered to witness the wackiest race yet.  300 miles from Chicago to St Louis!  All of the fan favorites are here!  Peter Perfect is posing for pictures while Professor Pat Pending performs a preliminary perusal of his Convert-A-Car.  The Ant Hill Mob are sizing up the Slag Brothers and the Gruesome Twosome, while Lazy Luke takes a nap in his Arkansas Chuggabugg as Rufus Ruffcut gets his exercise by bench pressing it!  Sergeant Blast is giving dirty looks at the Red Max, but he’s too busy focusing his wandering eyes on Penelope Pitstop.  Our glamour gal of the gas pedal wanders past the cars to check out her competition but stops in front of our newcomers.  A short, shifty looking fella and a tall, seductive looking lady, both dressed in white racing gear and goggles. 

PENELOPE PITSTOP: Well, I do declare!  You two must be the new racers from… um, what country are y’all from again? 

BORIS: We come from Western European country of Wearesoniceland.  I am Heff Jordan and this my mechanic Natalia Hattrick. 

NATASHA: Guten tag. 

PENELOPE PITSTOP: Pleased to meet you, I’m sure.  It’s grand to have some new faces in the races!  Oh, look at the time!  If you excuse little ol’ me, I better fix my make up before the race!  Bye, y’all! 

NATASHA: Boris dollink, promise me when race starts we drive that Kentucky Fried chickee off the road! 

BORIS: I promise, Natasha.  Yuck!  All that Southern hospitality make me want to throw up! 

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the back end of the starting position, Dick Dastardly is behind the wheel of his Mean Machine with his miserable mutt Muttley.  What dirty tricks do you have in store for our racers this time, Dick? 

DICK DASTARDLY: Why the dirtiest, of course!  I can feel it in my bones that this is the day that Dick Dastardly will be triumphant! 

MUTTLEY: Rassersnafferrassersnafferraff. 

DICK DASTARDLY: I know perfectly well about our new competitors from Wearesoniceland, Muttley!  But it’s no matter!  With the upgrades I’ve made to my vehicle and my most underhanded maneuvers, victory at last will be mine!  Heh heh heh heh! 

MUTTLEY: Heh heh heh heh heh! 

ANNOUNCER: Well, I guess the other Wacky Racers better stay on their toes with old…

NARRATOR: Um, excuse me? 

ANNOUNCER: Huh?  Who are you? 

NARRATOR: I’m the narrator for the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show!  I’m supposed to be telling this story! 

ANNOUNCER: But I’m the announcer for the Wacky Races!  It’s my job to tell the folks at home what’s happening! 

NARRATOR: But that’s my job! 

ANNOUNCER: Well, maybe you can just focus on your two bad guys and let me worry about the race! 

NARRATOR: But my bad guys are a part of the race! 

DICK DASTARDLY: Will the both of you shut up and start the race already?! 

NARRATOR: Oh.  Yes.  Ahem.  Of course.  Go ahead.  Sorry. 

ANNOUNCER: No trouble.  Don’t worry about it.  I see the starter is climbing the podium.  The racers are all getting into their vehicles.  Engines are revving up!  The crowd is cheering!  The flag is up!  And that’s the signal!  Away they go!  It’s Penelope’s Compact Pussycat taking an early lead, followed by the Bulletproof Bomb and the Wearesoniceland Special!  And here comes Dastardly racing after them, his Mean Machine letting out a smoke cloud that envelopes the other racers!  We got multiple crashes, and the race has only just started! 

NATASHA: Boris dollink, just how long is this race going to take? 

BORIS: Oh, it depends. 

NATASHA: On what? 

BORIS: On if broadwaybeyonder can come up with an ending without it taking 2 weeks! 

NARRATOR: Can Boris and Natasha finally achieve victory for Pottsylvania?! 

ANNOUNCER: Can Dick Dastardly finally win a race for… himself?! 

NARRATOR: Will broadwaybeyonder not let the people of the CBUB wait 2 weeks for a finish?! 

BROADWAYBEYONDER: Hey!  I got a life too! 

NARRATOR: For answers to these and other mind-numbing questions, don’t miss our next thrilling episode: “THE RATS RACE!” 

ANNOUNCER: Or “MEDDLE TO THE PEDAL!” 

 

OK:

Both Dick Dastardly and Boris & Natasha’s cars are equipped with all kinds of gadgets to help them cheat their way through the race.  Whoever can beat the other in the race (or by some miracle win the race) wins. 

Game On! 

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Dick Dastardly
Read more about Dick Dastardly at Wikipedia
Official Site: Cartoon Network Links: Wikipedia Toonopedia Wacky Races

Boris Badenov & Natasha Fatale
Read more about Boris Badenov & Natasha Fatale at Wikipedia
Official Site: Jay Ward Links: Wikipedia Entry Toonzone's Bullwinkle Page IMDB Bullwinkle Show Entry

[patrickthekid]

Brilliant idea. I can see both sides cheating their way into messing themselves up. Ultimately, I think Dastardly's experience will eke himself into a win. That or the two end up in a tie.

[leroypowell3]

I'm going with Dastardly too.

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
5.00 - patrickthekid
4.40 - Boratz

FPA Calculation:
2 Total Votes cast
9.40 Total Combined Score
9.40 / 2 = 4.70 Final Rating on the match

MATCH SCORE
Dick Dastardly: 4
Boris Badenov & Natasha Fatale: 1

[broadwaybeyonder]

THE BOTTOM LINE

NARRATOR: Once again, it is time for another episode in the continuing Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle! 

ANNOUNCER: And the way-out Wacky Races! 

NARRATOR: In our last episode, Boris and Natasha were ordered by Fearless Leader to enter the races to prove the superiority of Pottsylvanian engineering.  Disguising themselves as racers from the country of Wearesoniceland, they got off to a good start! 

BORIS: Which is unusual for baddies like us! 

NATASHA: Less talking, more driving, dollink! 

ANNOUNCER: However, the Wacky Racers were able to catch up with them!  Oh look!  There’s Dick Dastardly in his Mean Machine honking his horn! 

DICK DASTARDLY: Out of the way, slowpokes!  This is a race not a drive through the countryside!  Let’s show them how this race Is run, Muttley! 

MUTTLEY: Heh heh heh heh! 

NARRATOR: Muttley pressed a button on the dashboard and instantly a nozzle rises out of the top of the Mean Machine! 

ANNOUNCER: A nozzle that shoots a jet of grease up and over Boris and Natasha and lands right in front of their car!  They are sent into a skid and start spinning around like a top! 

BORIS: UGGGH!  Now I know what it like inside a blender! 

NATASHA: This is not what Americans mean they say they take car for a HURGH!  Spin, dollink. 

DICK DASTARDLY: Heh heh!  That’s showed ‘em, Muttley!  Now let’s leave those slowpokes in the dust! 

NARRATOR: The tricky Dick Dastardly sped around Boris and Natasha, only to drive into the opposite lane where a semi-truck was barreling towards them! 

MUTTLEY: YIPE! 

DICK DASTARDLY: Let go of me, Muttley!  I’m trying to steer! 

ANNOUNCER: And steer he does!  Out of the lane, off the road, and right into the ditch! 

DICK DASTARDLY: Drat, drat, and double drat! 

MUTTLEY: Heh heh heh heh! 

NATASHA: This is our chance, Boris! 

BORIS: Yes, Natasha!  I feel need!  Need for speed!  Heh heh! 

ANNOUNCER: The Wearesoniceland Special takes off down the Illinois highway, followed by the rest of the Wacky Racers.  You really should be more careful on the road, Dick.  You’ll never win the race that way. 

DICK DASTARDLY: Says you!  I’ll make sure those two turkeys pay for this humiliation! 

NARRATOR: Some time later, Peter Perfect brought his Turbo Terrific to a halt!  On the side of the road was Penelope Pitstop, waving urgently. 

PETER PERFECT: My word!  Miss Penelope is in trouble!  Don’t worry, dear!  Peter is here! 

ANNOUNCER: But little did Peter Perfect know as he brought his car to a stop and ran over to the woman in pink that it was not really Penelope but a disguised Natasha Fatale! 

NATASHA: Shush!  You don’t want to give away game, dollink. 

PETER PERFECT: Penelope!  Whatever’s the matter? 

NATASHA: Oh ahem, well I’m having a little trouble with my car, dollink.   I mean, y’all. 

PETER PERFECT: That is a problem.  But where is your car? 

NATASHA: I don’t know!  That is problem! 

NARRATOR: As Natasha distracted Peter, Boris slipped behind the Turbo Terrific with a bomb! 

BORIS: Yeah!  To make perfect explosion! 

PETER PERFECT: Maybe you could accompany me in my automobile, Miss Penelope!  I’m sure there’s room enough for two! 

NATASHA: Oh er shooks, Peter.  I’d just be… mai-ty grateful if you let the… folks at finish line know where I am. 

PETER PERFECT: Whatever you say, Miss Penelope! 

ANNOUNCER: And so Peter Perfect leaps back into his car and takes off, spewing smoke in the face of Boris Badenov. 

BORIS: *cough cough* I prefer Pottsylvania smog better. 

NARRATOR: But Boris didn’t have too long to wait to see his handiwork.  For only 5 miles down the road…

KABOOM! 

NARRATOR: The bomb went off, and Peter Perfect was left sitting in a pile of debris that once was the Turbo Terrific. 

PETER PERFECT: Oh, fiddlesticks! 

BORIS: Another day, another kaboom!  Moments like this make being spy worthwhile! 

NATASHA: Look, dollink!  Another car!  Let’s bamboozle them too! 

ANNOUNCER: It’s the Bouldermobile with the Slag Brothers Rock and Gravel!  They stop in front of Natasha and Boris sneaks behind with another bomb! 

ROCK: Oo!  Oo!  Umgawa!  Penelope? 

NATASHA: Why, of course!  Would y’all help me? 

GRAVEL: Hugga mugga jugga.  Phony baloney. 

NARRATOR: The Slag Brothers don’t fall for Natasha’s disguise!  But they do turn around just in time to spot Boris trying to stick his bomb in the back of the Bouldermobile! 

BORIS: Er heh.  Hello, fellows!  Lovely day for racing, no? 

BANG!  BANG!  BANG!  BANG! 

ANNOUNCER: And a lovely day for Boris to receive a good thumping from a pair of caveman clubs! 

NATASHA: Is that what Americans mean by ‘going out clubbing’, dollink? 

BORIS: Ah, SHARRAP YOUR MOUTH!  Also, OW!! 

NARRATOR: The hapless duo struggle to escape the Slag Brothers as the Wacky Racers pass by, including Dick Dastardly! 

DICK DASTARDLY: Thanks to my brilliant driving! 

MUTTLEY: Rassefrassagrassagrrrass. 

DICK DASTARDLY: I heard that, you miserable hound! 

ANNOUNCER: As the race reaches it’s inevitable finish, we see our competitors drawing ever nearer to the finish line under the St. Louis Arch!  Listen to that crowd roar! 

CROWD: Yay! 

NARRATOR: And would you believe that watching from the stands are our boys Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle Moose! 

ROCKY: Can you believe this is how they got us into this crummy story? 

BULLWINKLE: Well, at least the seats were cheap. 

ANNOUNCER: But we can see the leaders in the distance!  It’s Penelope Pitstop in the Compact Pussycat!  The Wearesoniceland Special and the Mean Machine are jockeying for 2^nd! 

NATASHA: All we have to do is pass that Southern dumb bell and we win, dollink! 

BORIS: Yeah!  And I’ve got one more bomb with her name on it!  Say goodbye to pretty Miss Pitstop! 

NARRATOR: But as Boris was readying his arm to throw the bomb, Penelope was distracted by the Sun beaming down on her. 

PENELOPE PITSTOP: Well, goodness sakes!  That mean ol’ Sun is making my mascara run!  Good thing I brought my parasol with me! 

ANNOUNCER: Boris hurls the bomb!  It soars towards Penelope’s car!  But no!  She opened her umbrella and the bomb bounced off it! 

NARRATOR: Right back towards our villains! 

MUTTLEY: GULP! 

DICK DASTARDLY: Whatever is the matter with you, Muttley?  It’s the end of the race!  Time for our big finish!  

KABOOM!! 

ANNOUNCER: And they’re finished alright! 

NARRATOR: The force of the explosion blew the two cars into the air, and all the way to the back of the pack! 

ANNOUNCER: And there’s the checkered flag!  Penelope Pitstop has won!  The Slag Brothers are second, and Peter Perfect is third!  All the rest of the Wacky Racers make it across the finish line! 

ROCKY: Hey!  What about Dastardly and those two from Wearesoniceland? 

BULLWINKLE: Don’t worry, Rocky.  I’m sure they’ll tell us eventually. 

ROCKY: Really? 

BULLWINKLE: Otherwise, this Bottom Line will be more of a Bottomless Line. 

NARRATOR: Thankfully, before Bullwinkle could continue talking, a cloud of dust sped towards the finish line!  I can’t see who it is! 

ANNOUNCER: With our high speed, infrared camera, we see that it is…  I don’t believe it!  Dick Dastardly!  For the first time ever the Mean Machine hasn’t finished in last! 

DICK DASTARDLY: We did it, Muttley!  Ha ha!  We won!  We won! 

NARRATOR: What do you mean ‘won’?  All you did was not finish last! 

DICK DASTARDLY: WHAT?!  I would have won if not for those dopey foreigners!  Drat, drat and double drat! 

MUTTLEY: Heh heh heh heh! 

ANNOUNCER: And limping towards the finish line in the remnants of their vehicle are Boris and Natasha. 

NARRATOR: Or rather, Natasha pushing the car the rest of the way while Boris sits behind the wheel! 

BORIS: Come on, Natasha dear!  I think if we pick up enough speed, I could reach 2^nd gear! 

NATASHA: You’ve gone and slipped your gears, dollink! 

ROCKY: Those voices!  Could’ve sworn I’ve heard them before! 

BULLWINKLE: Well, don’t! 

ROCKY: Why? 

BULLWINKLE: It’s not good manners to swear! 

NARRATOR: Will Rocky and Bullwinkle ever recognize Boris and Natasha? 

ANNOUNCER: Will Dick Dastardly ever win a race? 

BULLWINKLE: Will these two ever run out of open-ended questions? 

NARRATOR: Tune in for our next episode: SOMETHING’S A MOOSE. 

ANNOUNCER: Or THE SQUIRELLY SPIES!   

[DSkillz]

This was a good set-up and bottom line, broadway. From what I can remember about Rocky and Bullwinkle and Wacky Races, you had just about everyone in character.  Sorry I missed the match before it finished. 

And the race finished just about as expected, with neither pair of bad guys winning, but Dastardly and Muttley finishing ahead of Boris and Natasha due to experience (and more from the latter just having worse luck).