Match 20835 Captain Planet vs. Mr. Clean

[Macklemore]

I don't know if we do warnings for this kinda thing here, but curse words incoming. I wrote this from the perspective of a normal man who lives in a world where superpowers are common.
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I waddle around my house aimlessly after finding out that my office, the place where I spend 8 hours a day away from the horrifying truth of what happens outside, has been ground to dust by a fight that levelled an entire block. Yet again, some stupid exhibitionist in spandex who got lucky enough to get superpowers decided to act like a jackass and cause mayhem. The people who are supposed to be on our side, who are supposed to stop these exhibitionists, seldom do less damage than prevent.

"Yeah, yeah. How long will I have to wait until we relocate?" I ask. Inside, I am boiling with rage. If the representative of this so called "Damage Control" company was in front of me, he'd see that I was redder than a baboon's ass cheeks.

"How long?" I hear him retort from the other side of the telephone. Yes, asshole. It's a perfectly valid question to ask when talking to you. My company is taking a hit. My place of operations is non-existent. I want to know how fucking long.

"Can you take a guess on how long it will take for us to relocate?" I try my darnedest to not let this guy know that I am battling demons from the lowest pits of Hell right now, all of them trying to coerce me into saying the most heinous things known to man on this poor kid trying to earn a paycheck.

"4 to 6 months," he answers earnestly. Fuck, I wish he didn't. I wish he kept lying so I could let my anger out on him.

"Thanks," I say as I hang up. I throw my phone against the wall. Why the fuck did I do that? I wish I saved up for the next 4 to 6 months. I don't feel like wasting what I have on a new phone. I wish I could rewind time like those assholes.

I breathe out heavily and stretch my arms into the air. I've been told it helps you feel like you just don't care. It doesn't. Maybe if I waved them around. Still nothing.

I walk over to my tacky, brown leather couch. I know where I usually sit on this piece of shit cause my ass has left an indent in it. I know this is my indent, cause I don't share this homely abode with anyone. I plop directly into the hole left by yours truly and grab a hold of the remote to my left side. I turn the TV on to bare witness to the same terrible ad campaign that I've been seeing for the past month. Both Captain Planet and Mr. Clean staring at me with their lifeless eyes, talking about how I should be the one to better this world. That bettering the world starts with me.

Truth be told, I have no idea what Mr. Clean does. I don't even think that guy has powers. I think he's the son of some corporate magnate who managed to make it big. But I do know one thing, Captain Planet is powerful. If he wished, he could snap his fingers and cause all the bad things in the world to disappear. He can create food, and for that matter, anything out of thin air. He has control over the basic elements that everything on this god forsaken planet is made out of. Why the fuck is he the one telling me where to start with saving the planet, a guy who is basically out of a job and with no passive income, with no control over the elements, hell I can't even tell my body what to do most of the time? I hate this guy.

"If you would like to help us out, please call (935) 437-8662 if you want to join me in my march against Oil Barons in Southern California. We will proceed with said march on the first of the next month," Captain Planet says directly into the camera. I look at the calendar neatly placed on my kitchen wall. It's the 28th. "Good," I mutter out loud to no one. I'm already losing my mind, I guess. At least I will only have to see this shitty ad play for only a couple more days until I stop seeing it.

"Or if you want to help march against the growing case of marine debris we have going on, call (438) 547-5448 and join me as we go ahead and march against marine debris," says Mr. Clean as the camera focuses on him, showcasing a face smoother than anything I've ever seen before. Maybe that's his superpower, as dumb as it is. Clean pores. As if anyone's going to join you, you bald twat.

I turn to face my phone on the floor, broken beyond repair. I turn back to the TV.

"Even if I had a working phone, I wouldn't be a part of your stupid scam." I hate these superpowered freaks.

"Remember people, the bigger our groups are, the bigger the power we exert over these evildoers is. Don't be afraid to give us a call," Captain Planet smiles. I hate that smile. It's too synthetic.

The camera pans to Mr. Clean. I don't know why, but I think I hate him even more. "Make the right choice when picking your group."

It's almost like these corporate mascots are having some kind of weird back and forth between each other, like they've bet on who could get a bigger group.

Whatever, not my problem.
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Let's say Mr. Clean and Captain Planet are both characters that exist in our world and both want you to take part in a cause that they will headline. 
Who do you think would harbor the bigger fanbase and the bigger group of people marching on the streets? 
Who do you think would be the more successful in the eyes of the layman?

First part of a (hopefully) large fanfic which I intend on calling "Yet Another Edgy Superhero Story" that is exactly what it says on the tin. I plan on having the outcomes of the battles I post here dictate the course of the story, but we'll see. Hope you all enjoyed this, even though it wasn't the usual type of battle setup people are accustomed to.

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Captain Planet
Read more about Captain Planet at Wikipedia
Official Site: Turner Broadcasting System Links: Wikipedia Toonpedia Classic Tv Hits

Mr. Clean
Read more about Mr. Clean at Wikipedia
Official Site: Procter & Gamble Links: Mr. Clean - Wikipedia TV Acres: Mr. Clean Mr. Clean Official Site

[leroypowell3]

I would follow Captain Planet way before Mr. Clean.

[Dr_Manhattan_88]

I would also go along with Captain Planet.

[Pizza Guy]

Captain Planet. He wants to clean the entire world! That’s way more important and cause worthy then cleaning a kitchen or whatever.

[DSkillz]

Hah!  

Good set-up, Mackelmore. Nice touch with the narrator being a disgruntled, fed-up everyman. We probably could use more matches that aren't straight fights; in fact, back in the day, some of the past CBUB vets would clamor to see match-ups like these. Also, we don't worry that much about cussin' in matches; most of us are adults after all. 

As for the match, while Captain Planet can get preachy, at least he generally vocalizes. To this day, I don't think I've ever heard Mr. Clean speak, so I may give this campaign to the Cap by default. 

[Macklemore]

8 hours ago, DSkillz said:

Hah!  

Good set-up, Mackelmore. Nice touch with the narrator being a disgruntled, fed-up everyman. We probably could use more matches that aren't straight fights; in fact, back in the day, some of the past CBUB vets would clamor to see match-ups like these. Also, we don't worry that much about cussin' in matches; most of us are adults after all. 

Just wanted to let you know that this comment is highly appreciated and helps feed the want to come up with cooler ideas. Thank you!

[JohnnyChany]

Let me also encourage you to continue. This is very creative, and I enjoyed it. I am curious to see where else you could take it. I think there is a potential for a lot of Captain Planet backlash eventually, spearheaded by the things brought up in the set-up but for now I still think he gets the bigger crowds of followers. In a world where superpowers are commonplace, a hero focusing their powers on the environment will get a lot of attention. Judging by his real-world commercials, Mr. Clean will probably target the housewife demographic which isn't nothing but not the wide-reaching range of Captain Planet. Also, if you are doing any kind of protest march you want to go with the one whose powers you understand better and can better protect you.

[ThePhenomenalOne]

13 hours ago, DSkillz said:

Hah!  

Good set-up, Mackelmore. Nice touch with the narrator being a disgruntled, fed-up everyman. We probably could use more matches that aren't straight fights; in fact, back in the day, some of the past CBUB vets would clamor to see match-ups like these. Also, we don't worry that much about cussin' in matches; most of us are adults after all. 

As for the match, while Captain Planet can get preachy, at least he generally vocalizes. To this day, I don't think I've ever heard Mr. Clean speak, so I may give this campaign to the Cap by default. 

No, but he did shake that ass in that one commercial....

 

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
4.50 - DSkillz
5.00 - Boratz
4.00 - Pizza Guy
5.00 - JohnnyChany
4.50 - ThePhenomenalOne

FPA Calculation:
5 Total Votes cast
23.00 Total Combined Score
23.00 / 5 = 4.60 Final Rating on the match

MATCH SCORE
Captain Planet: 8
Mr. Clean: 2