Match 20979 Killer Klowns From Outer Space vs. Aliens (Plan 9)

[broadwaybeyonder]

MST3K Seasons 5-6 Intro

Mike: Hello, everybody!  Welcome to the Satellite of Love!  As you can tell, since I’ve traded my jumpsuit for a Luigi onesie, it’s Halloween time once again!  And me and the Bots have been working all week on our costumes. 

Tom Servo: All week?  You just threw on a pair of overalls and drew a mustache on your face! 

Mike: Well, I’ve been thinking about it all week!  And I gotta love that crown and robe, Tom!  Who are you supposed to be?  King Arthur? 

Tom Servo: Actually, I’m Charlamagne! 

Crow: Cool!  I love the Breakfast Club! 

Tom Servo: Not Charlamagne Da God!  Emperor Charlamagne!  The 8^th century ruler of France!  The First of the Holy Roman Emperors! 

Crow: … Does he have Jess Hilarious’ number? 

Mike: Crow! 

Gypsy: Isn’t anyone going to ask me about my costume? 

Mike: Err, it’s very nice, Gypsy.  But what’s with all the green fringe? 

Gypsy: I’m supposed to be a Chia Pet! 

Mike: Oh.  Right. 

Crow: And of course, here’s the winner of our costume contest! 

Mike: This wasn’t a contest, Crow.  It was just for fun. 

Crow: And the winner of our costume contest if it was actually a contest is obviously me.  Taking inspiration from a movie that I’m sure the Mads never will be sending us, I’ve decided to dress up as Arthur Fleck from “Joker: Foil and Ducks.” 

Tom Servo: That’s Folie a Deux, Crow. 

Crow: Oh, excuse me.  Did your pal Charles the Mangy teach you that?  Anyway, since that movie is supposed to be a musical, I’ve written my own ballad to kick off the show.  So, ahem.  Me me me me! 

Mike: Err, oh!  Look!  We’re getting a signal from Deep 13!  The Mads must want to talk to us! 

TV’s Frank: Hey, Mike.  Dr. Forrester isn’t here right at the moment.  He’s running a little late.  Traffic is really messing up the commute to Deep 13.  So, I thought maybe we could talk for a bit.  So, um how are you doing? 

Mike: Well, Frank, apart from being trapped against my will in a satellite in a geosynchronous orbit around the Earth, I don’t really have any complaints.  How about you, fellas? 

Tom Servo: Yeah, could you send us up some Windex?  You won’t believe how dirty the windows get up here! 

Gypsy: Or a faster processor for the main computer! 

Crow: Or Megan Fox’s phone number! 

Dr. Forrester: FRANK! 

TV’s Frank: Uh oh!  Er, yes, Dr. Forrester? 

Dr. Forrester: Didn’t I tell you not to talk to test subjects without my permission? 

TV’s Frank: I just thought we could mix it up today.  You know, variety/spice of life kind of thing? 

Dr. Forrester: Oh, spice of life?  Do I look like Mel B do you?  Shut up and get the… experiment. 

TV’s Frank: Yeah, right, doc. 

Dr. Forrester: Mike?  Your experiment tonight is a very special treat for you.  It is the result of another of my astonishingly brilliant inventions: The Forrester Cinematic Instamatic Combiner!  Now I am able to take 2 pieces of fetid film filth and join them together to bombard your minds with twice the brain numbing schlock at the same time! 

Crow: Wait!  Two movies?! 

Tom Servo: The fiends! 

Mike: Dr. Forrester, you can’t be serious!  Why would you do such a thing? 

Dr. Forrester: What do you want from me?  I’M EVIL!  BWAHAHAHAHA!  Ahem.  Anyway, the two movies I have smashed together are none other than “Killer Klowns from Outer Space” and “Plan 9 from Outer Space”!  A small town is invaded by Klowns hungry for blood and zombie raising aliens looking to conquer the world!  The resulting alleged movie I have decided to call: “Plan Klowns from Outer Space”! 

TV’s Frank: Er, Dr. Forrester, wouldn’t it be better if you called it “Killer 9 from Outer Space”? 

Dr. Forrester: And just how would that be better, Frank? 

TV’s Frank: I don’t know.  I just thought it sounded more metal, don’t you think?  Like, “Whoa, man, the Killer 9 really rocked at Lollapalooza this year, man!” You know? 

Dr. Forrester: Will you shut up and just send the movie already?! 

TV’s Frank: Okay, fine. 

Dr. Forrester: Call it whatever you want, Mike Nelson.  I’ll just call it your doom!  Er, why are you wearing that Luigi onesie? 

Crow: Hey!  That’s his costume! 

Tom Servo: Yeah, he thought long and hard for a good 3 minutes to put that together. 

Mike: Thanks, fellas!  Hey!  Wait a minute! 

KLAXON! 

Mike/Bots: Whoa!  We got a movie sign! 

 

OK:

The Klowns and the Aliens have all the technology they have in their original movies. 

Both their ships land in a small-town cemetery. 

Whichever side destroys the other and takes over the town wins. 

Game On, and Happy Halloween! 

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Killer Klowns From Outer Space
Read more about Killer Klowns From Outer Space at Wikipedia
Official Site: MGM Pictures Links: KKFOS Wikipedia page KKFOS imdb page KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE

Aliens (Plan 9)
Read more about Aliens (Plan 9) at Wikipedia
Official Site: Edward D Wood Jr. Links: Wikipedia: Plan 9 IMDB: Plan 9 From Outer Space The Zombie Guide: Plan 9

[JohnnyChany]

Bonus points from me for the MST3K tie in. Going with the Killer Klowns.

[Macklemore]

Going with the Killer Klowns myself. Their abilities are plentiful and the sheer ways in which they can kill the aliens is delightful.

[Venom 2009]

Neat idea on having MST3K behind the match. I might try to do one myself.

[Pizza Guy]

Killer Klowns. Their abilities and powers are toon force level OP. 

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
5.00 - Macklemore
5.00 - JohnnyChany
4.50 - Pizza Guy
5.00 - Venom 2009
4.60 - Yazmal

FPA Calculation:
5 Total Votes cast
24.10 Total Combined Score
24.10 / 5 = 4.82 Final Rating on the match

MATCH SCORE
Killer Klowns From Outer Space: 5
Aliens (Plan 9): 2

[broadwaybeyonder]

THE BOTTOM LINE

The zombies lurched towards the circus tent set up in the graveyard. 

Crow: Scenes from Fyre Fest 2. 

At the front of the horde was the large detective, the Old Man, and his ghoulish wife. 

Tom Servo: Is that Donald, JD, and Melania? 

Crow: Meh, it could be Tim, Joe, and Kamala. 

Mike: No, guys, it’s Peter, Paul, and Mary. 

Tom Servo & Crow: Oh yeah right.  Huh?! 

From their spaceship Eros and Tanna watched from a viewscreen as the undead advanced. 

Tom Servo: And you told me these Walking Dead spin-offs were good!  Where’s Norman Reedus? 

Eros: It won’t be long now, Tanna. 

Mike: They’re almost in the same zip code as the enemy. 

Eros: Soon these bizarre creatures will no longer be a threat.  Then we may continue our mission on this planet. 

Tanna: But, Eros, these… clowns.  They have already killed so many humans. 

Crow: We’re trailing going into the second half. 

Tanna put her hands on Eros’ shoulder. 

Tanna: Perhaps we should allow them to destroy this world.  As long as the humans are dealt with, does it matter whether be destroyed by our hands or theirs? 

Eros pushed her away from him violently. 

Eros: Silence, Tanna!! 

Mike: What have I told you about adlibbing your own dialogue? 

Eros: Our supreme ruler ordered us to eliminate this stupid planet!  And by heaven I will follow that order! 

Tom Servo: Sheesh, someone needs an edible. 

Eros: So be silent, Tanna! 

Mike: Or go in the backyard to play with Michelle, DJ, and Uncle Jesse! 

Crow: What about Aunt Becky? 

Tom Servo: Uh, she might be busy prepping for college. 

The zombies finally reached the tent.  The curtains parted to reveal 3 Klowns armed with popcorn & cotton candy guns. 

Tom Servo: Try to close OUR circus, will ya? 

Crow: Halt or we will haunt your nightmares forever! 

The lady ghoul pointed at the Klowns and hissed at them. 

Mike: Yeah, always remember to check the tires on your zombie every 2000 miles. 

The large detective raised his arms and moved step by step towards the Klowns.  The Klowns giggled and burbled in their strange language and aimed their weapons.  They fired the popcorn guns, the force of the kernels projecting the undead detective into the air and knocking down 5 other zombies. 

Tom Servo: Ooo, he’s gonna have to try again if he wants the spare! 

Crow: It’s okay, I figure that the writers have all gone on strike! 

The Klowns continued blasting the zombies and encasing them in cotton candy cocoons.  The popcorn quickly began to grow and ensnare other zombies and tear into their decaying flesh. 

Crow: Soylent Green is… probably better tasting than that. 

A short clown waddled over to the lady ghoul and offered her a bouquet of flowers. 

Tom Servo: “The Buffalo” by Henry Gibson. 

The Old Man hurtled himself forward and pushed his late wife aside.  A stream of acid shot out of the flowers and struck The Old Man in the face. 

Mike: You cursed brat!  Look what you’ve done!  I’m melting!!  Melting! 

The lady ghoul let out a screech as the remnants of flesh melted off of the Old Man’s bones.  As the skeleton collapsed, she lashed out to slap the Klown.  Her nails struck the Klown’s nose and popped it, and with a howl the tiny creature started to spin and spark. 

Tom Servo: The true story of Snow White and Dopey’s relationship. 

The lady ghoul stared in sinister satisfaction as the Klown exploded into confetti.  But her distraction was all that another Klown needed to fire his gun and trap her in a balloon. 

Mike: And there’s a balloon on the field.  This penalty will put the zombies back at their own 40-yard line. 

Eros and Tanna looked at the viewscreen in stunned disbelief as the Klowns let the balloon float into the air above the cemetery strewn with their defeated zombie army. 

Eros: This… this can’t be! 

Crow: I studied all night for this exam! 

Eros: Our plan was foolproof! 

Tom Servo: It was ‘fool’ of something alright. 

Tanna:   Eros, please!  We must launch our ship and escape! 

Meanwhile at the circus tent, the Klowns all pulled out peashooters and aimed them at the still ascending balloon. 

Tom Servo: And now the Klown national anthem.  Please rise and place your hand over your nose. 

Making a sound like they were all blowing raspberries, the Klowns blew on their peashooters and shot kernels at the balloon.  The balloon popped and the lady ghoul was sent tumbling down to earth, screaming until she hit the ground with a thud. 

Crow: So, it’s a myth that zombies always land on their feet? 

Eros: Hurry, Tanna!  We shall fire our rockets and return to our home world! 

The ground suddenly began to shake, causing Eros and Tanna to stagger into the walls of their saucer. 

Eros: What is that?!  What is happening?! 

Tanna: EROS!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 

  Mike: I TOLD you to stop adlibbing! 

Eros looked at the screen where Tanna pointed and gasped in terror.  Outside of the saucer the 18-foot Klownzilla was marching towards them. 

Tom Servo: Hey, Chris Christie! 

The two aliens clung to each other screaming as the enormous Klown picked up the saucer, growling as he looked through the window at it’s helpless passengers. 

Crow: I see Eros and Tanna and Torgo and Mitchell and… 

Klownzilla roared behind him at a line of Klowns carrying an enormous stick. 

Mike: Well, you hate to see it, but I think Ol’ Klownzilla is taking these kids behind the woodshed again. 

Tom Servo: That’ll learn them youngins’ to get their chores done. 

The Klown placed the saucer on his fingertips and started to spin it.  He extended his other hand and picked up the stick, then raised it under the saucer to lift it still spinning high above his head.  Eros and Tanna were pressed against the saucer walls by the centrifugal force. 

Tom Servo: I can’t believe you talked me into riding the Gravitron!  I just wanted to go on the burlap sack slide! 

Klownzilla roared another order to his followers who were positioning a giant, brightly colored catapult.  Sitting on it ready to launch was an enormous cream pie. 

Crow: Sheesh, talk about telegraphing a punchline! 

The saucer spun faster and faster until it became a blur.  Klownzilla gave one final roar to the Klowns at the catapult. 

Klown: (unintelligible) Pull! 

Klownzilla thrusted the stick into the air and sent the saucer soaring into the sky.  The catapult Klowns yanked on a cord and the pie zoomed up after it. 

Crow: Hey, Aliens!  Here’s Plan Pie from Outer Space! 

The pie collided with the saucer and Eros and Tanna’s ship exploded.  The Klowns cheered and burbled to each other in excitement as Klownzilla roared and pie filling fell from the sky onto the deserted graveyard. 

Mike: And that’s how I met your mother. 

The scene changed to the set of Criswell Predicts.  The Amazing Criswell sat at his desk staring at the camera. 

Tom Servo: Ask yourselves, did this really happen? 

Mike: Was it fact or fiction? 

Crow: Does anybody care? 

Criswell: My friends, as we go into the future, that mysterious, murky future that awaits us all, let us recall these events. 

Mike: And say, “What the Hell was that?” 

Criswell: And, my friends, let us be vigilant as we spread our wings to fly into the future.  For out in space, we may indeed find they we are not alone.  God help us… in the future. 

Multiple cream pies then hit Criswell. 

Crow: Woo woo woo woo!  Nyuck nyuck nyuck. 

Tom Servo: That’s what you get for hiring the Three Stooges as your camera crew. 

Mike: Well, Ed and the Chiodos got them cheap. 

As the Amazing Criswell sunk behind his desk, being covered with more and more pies, the orchestral music swelled and two words appeared on the screen. 

The End. 

Crow: So, who won, the Klowns or the Aliens? 

Mike: Not us. 

Tom Servo: You said it. 

 

Tom Servo: You know, Mike, it really is amazing how Ed Wood and the Chiodo brothers were able to do so much with so little. 

Mike: That’s right, Tom.  Even though their movies were weird and bad those guys managed to make something that will live on his movie history forever. 

Crow: Thanks a lot, Siskel and Ebert. 

Mike: It just shows that just because you didn’t put a lot of time or money into something, people can still enjoy it.  You know what I mean, Crow? 

Crow: I know what you mean, Mike.  And no, your Luigi costume still looks stupid. 

Mike: Oh.  Well, what do you think, sirs? 

Dr. Forrester: I think that I’ll need to give another look at the Forrester Cinematic Instamatic Combiner.  They survived our movie, Frank! 

TV’s Frank: It sure looks like they did, Dr. Forrester. 

Dr. Forrester: Enjoy your Halloween hope while you can, Mike!  Next time I’ve got a new movie for you!  I’ll subject you and your mobile garbage cans to… “Joker: Folie aux Deux”! 

Crow: Wow!  A Joker movie?!  Joaquin Phoenix and Lady Gaga?! 

Tom Servo: Um, Crow? 

Crow: And I thought you only sent us BAD movies! 

Mike: Crow! 

Crow: What? 

Mike: They DO only send us bad movies. 

Crow: … Crap. 

Dr. Forrester: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Until next time, Mike!  Push the button, Frank. 

TV’s Frank: But I want to go trick ‘r treating! 

Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank! 

TV’s Frank: Right, right, the button. 

 

Apologies if the jokes were too on the nose. 

Tanna: EROS!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!