Match 21095 Santa Claus vs. Fanboys

[SSJRuss]

ChristmasCon wasn’t on my list this year.

Normally this time of year I’d be in the workshop, checking my Naughty & Nice list, catching up on the elves' latest prototypes, checking my Naughty & Nice List again, or—my personal favorite—prepping my palate for all the cookies and milk I was about to taste from around the world. December was a busy time of year.

But this year was different.

A troubling message had made its way to the North Pole, you see. A mysterious group calling themselves the Canon Santas had gained notoriety online, declaring that Christmas had become “diluted” and “misinterpreted.” Worse, they claimed I was a fraud—a mascot created by corporations to sell toys. Me, a fraud! I'd been tuning it out for months, but eventually the noise became too much. I found how these naysayers had organized a panel at ChristmasCon titled "Santa Claus: Exposing the Impostor". And hundreds, nay, thousands of "fans" were scheduled to attend.

I’ve been called worse, of course. But with how many were going to be there, that was concerning. What concerned me even more was what the elves had discovered on social media.

The Canon Santas weren’t just skeptics or disgruntled fans. They were actively encouraging people to boycott Christmas traditions until their version of “canon” was officially adopted. They were holding online campaigns targeted to children. Children! They were starting to question me, the joy of the season was crumbling because of online conspiracy theories and a fake story of declaring a "true, canon Santa."

I had to step in. Not to argue. Not to defend myself. But to stop the season of giving from turning into one of division.

So here I was, boots crunching on a thin carpet of faux snow, walking into a convention hall buzzing with dark, mean-spirited holiday cheer.

The air in the hall smelled of peppermint, pine, and plastic—an odd combination, but one I’d grown used to over the years. Booths lined the walls, selling everything from vintage ornaments to custom Santa suits. My coat was freshly brushed, my gloves pristine. A few people paused to glance my way, likely assuming I was just another cosplayer among the crowd.

Twinkling lights dangled from the rafters, and oversized candy canes framed every doorway, but there was something wrong—a tension beneath the carols piped through the speakers.

The cheer was wrong. The holiday spirit was here, but it was knotted with something ugly. Pride, anger, self-righteousness—the kind of emotions that ended up inside people that fall on my Naughty list.

As I made my way deeper into the convention hall, I passed booths selling Santa-themed merch: collectible figurines, custom hats, even handmade wreaths proclaiming "The One True Claus." Fans bustled past me, chattering excitedly, their costumes elaborate and oddly aggressive. This wasn’t the Santa I knew. It wasn’t the Santa they knew, either, though they seemed certain they were right.

A saw a long line snaked out the doors of a panel room filled with fans in every imaginable iteration of me: Cyberpunk Santa, Viking Santa, even one gentleman in a suit labeled “Fitness Santa: Abs for Christmas!”

I continued walking, then I saw the sign.

"Santa Claus—Exposing the Impostor!"

People were streaming into the room beneath it. I shook my head and sighed, following them inside.

The room was packed, standing room only. Rows of chairs stretched toward a stage where the Canon Santas had already begun their show. At the center stood Jeff Kyle "Saint Claus" Harrington, flanked by an array of poorly lit slides depicting everything from Coca-Cola ads to pop culture references of me. He gestured animatedly at the images as he spoke, his voice dripping with disdain.

This was the man that was the face and voice of the Canon Santas, according to my elves. He was the one I needed to speak to.

“The Santa Claus you’ve been sold,” Jeff declared, “is a lie! A construct of capitalism! The true Santa is a figure of folklore, stripped of his roots and twisted into a caricature. And this,” he pointed dramatically at the screen, “is what they’ve turned him into! A marketing tool created to sell toys and keep the masses docile!”

The crowd erupted in applause.

I waited, letting the noise settle before stepping forward. No need to interrupt the moment. Let him have his applause; he’d worked for it. The murmurs of the crowd buzzed around me as I moved closer to the stage, boots clicking against the polished floor.

Jeff continued, feeding off the energy of the room. “And now,” he said, voice rising, “Before we crown our one TRUE canon Santa, I have something else to say. If this so-called real Santa, if he exists, if he has the nerve to show up here today and defend himself!?” He leaned over the podium, scanning the crowd like a predator looking for prey. “Well then, I say this is your last chance to show your face and do it!"

I took a step forward. “Well,” I said, stepping out of the shadows at the back of the room behind Jeff, “here I am.”

The crowd turned as one, a wave of gasps, murmurs, and even a few screams. Honestly, I was shocked they recognized the real Santa Claus so immediately.

“Another cosplayer?” Jeff said, though his voice wavered just enough for me to catch it. “Nice try, old man, but the real Santa wouldn’t dare show his face here.”

I smiled warmly, taking a few steps closer. “Hello, Jeff,” I said, my voice carrying easily through the room. “And hello to all of you. Looks like quite the turnout.”

The crowd murmured louder now, rippling waves of excitement and confusion. Jeff straightened, his chest puffed out as if to reclaim his attention. Jeff pointed an accusing finger at me. “You expect us to believe you’re Santa Claus?” he scoffed. “You waltz in here, dressed for the part, and think we’ll just fall for it?”

I clasped my hands behind my back, smiling. “You seem to know a great deal about me, Jeff. Surely, you’d recognize the real thing when you see him.”

Jeff turned to the crowd, gesturing dramatically. “This impostor is here to distract us from the truth! He’s nothing but a corporate mascot, a fraud! If he really is Santa Claus, let him prove it—not with his words, but by showing he’s worthy of the title!”

I smiled, shaking my head. “No, Jeff. I’m not here to argue. I’m here to remind everyone why Christmas matters.”

"I say we kick his ass!" shouted a Viking-themed Santa standing in the back of the crowd. The crowd erupted in cheers, their enthusiasm unsettling. They weren’t just looking for proof... they were looking for a fight.

I sighed. “Prove it? Haven’t I done that a thousand times over? What more do you want?”

“No!” Jeff shouted. “Because it’s not you. You’re a fraud. And now you’re going to face the real spirit of Christmas.”

Jeff rushed me and the crowd followed suit, fans surging forward, some wielding tinsel lassos, others with oversized stockings they swung like nets. One fan threw a sack full of fake presents at me, aiming for my head.

I ducked and rolled, summoning a swirl of snowflakes to try and make a quick escape. “I admire your enthusiasm,” I said, “but this is no way to honor Christmas!”

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Santa Claus
Read more about Santa Claus at Wikipedia
Official Site: Public Domain Links: Wikipedia St. Nicholas Center Santaland

Fanboys
Read more about Fanboys at Wikipedia
Official Site: Public Domain Links: Wikipedia Urban Dictionary Trial of the Fanboy

[SSJRuss]

Early Merry Christmas, CBUB. Hope you enjoy this holiday-themed match.

[Pizza Guy]

On 12/8/2024 at 10:37 PM, SSJRuss said:

Early Merry Christmas, CBUB. Hope you enjoy this holiday-themed match.

I greatly enjoyed it! It’s very unique and different from what I usually expect from a Christmas tale. And I loved reading it.

Here’s hoping Santa kicks Jeff and his mob of clowns ass. 

[Culwych1]

Great fight. Santa for the win.

[JohnnyChany]

A very entertaining setup. I remember when "vs. Fanboys" was a regular go to, nice to see it again. My money is on Santa.

[Venom 2009]

Santa Claus is going to be shoving coal in each of the Fanboys' chimney.

[DSkillz]

Ugh, I wanted to sign in much earlier this evening, but my laptop has been very sluggish lately. 😒 

Anyways, a very nice way to help kick off the holidays, Russ. Interesting way to have Santa literally walk right into the lion's den and have him be a little curmudgeonly along the way. The way the story was going, part of me kinda expected the raucous to settle into more of a debate, though. 

As for the match, if Santa's just trying to escape or fight off the fanboys, I'd have to think he wouldn't have too much trouble with either. The man delivers presents across the world (or cosmos, depending on the medium) in one night, after all, and he's dealt with all kinds of obstacles and threats in the process. 

[Callisto]

Match Final Results

Member Ratings:
5.00 - Venom 2009
4.60 - DSkillz
5.00 - Culwych1
4.80 - Pizza Guy
5.00 - Boratz
5.00 - JohnnyChany

FPA Calculation:
6 Total Votes cast
29.40 Total Combined Score
29.40 / 6 = 4.90 Final Rating on the match

MATCH SCORE
Santa Claus: 8
Fanboys: 0

[SSJRuss]

17 hours ago, DSkillz said:

Ugh, I wanted to sign in much earlier this evening, but my laptop has been very sluggish lately. 😒 

Anyways, a very nice way to help kick off the holidays, Russ. Interesting way to have Santa literally walk right into the lion's den and have him be a little curmudgeonly along the way. The way the story was going, part of me kinda expected the raucous to settle into more of a debate, though. 

As for the match, if Santa's just trying to escape or fight off the fanboys, I'd have to think he wouldn't have too much trouble with either. The man delivers presents across the world (or cosmos, depending on the medium) in one night, after all, and he's dealt with all kinds of obstacles and threats in the process. 

Sorry to hear your laptop is slow, I've been having the same issue with my desktop.

Funny you say that, I thought about having them debate one another for a bit before coming to blows, but I cut it as it got to be redundant.