Tournament - Beast (Disney) vs. Tarzan (Disney)

[Culwych1]

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Intro: Far away from the enchanted castle we all know, deep within a lush, untamed jungle, lay the rarest rose in the world. This mystical flower was said to grant the final cure to all curses.

The Beast, after switching back to his beastly form, despite Belle’s love, knew that only this flower could grant him eternal happiness and that the treacherous journey to find it was worth the danger.

“Belle, my darling, are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” asked the Beast, knowing that any danger would be surmountable with Belle’s love.

“Nah” said Belle as she walked away, having lived long enough with the smelly fur and, like any wife, knowing that her husband needed new hobbies to do without her. Besides, the choice was between a humid, bug-infested jungle trip, or heading down to the neighbouring castle for yoga and wine with Cinderella.  

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Weeks later, the Beast arrived in the jungle. He swore like a trooper as his big paws squelched in mud, his cape caught in branches, and his fur curled with the humidity. The Beast grumbled as he stomped through the undergrowth, his regal demeanour long since replaced with the mood of a sulking bear. His paws slapped at the occasional mosquito, and his muttered curses grew louder every time he tripped over a root or snagged his tail on a thorny bush.

"Magical rose, they said. It'll cure you, they said," he growled, tugging his cape free from yet another branch. "Nobody warned me it would involve sweating like a pig and looking like a wet mop!"

He paused to sniff the air. Amid the overwhelming scent of damp leaves and animal shit, there was something floral, something faintly magical. His ears perked up, and he followed the scent like a dog on a scent trail.

And there it was. The Floribunda Ultimata. 🥀 It grew on a single vine that twisted elegantly around an ancient tree trunk, its petals glowing faintly like they held the sunrise within.

“Oh, thank the stars,” the Beast muttered, trudging toward it. He reached out a clawed paw, excitement bubbling beneath his grouchy exterior.

But just as his fingers brushed the delicate petals, a voice shattered the jungle calm.

“AAAH-AAAAHHH-EEEEE-AAAAAHHH!”

The Beast froze mid-reach as a man hurtled out of the trees on a vine, hollering like a lunatic. With a dramatic thud, the figure landed in front of him, muscles glistening, hair flowing in an exaggerated slow-motion effect, despite no wind.

“What,” the Beast said flatly, “is this?”

Tarzan stood tall, puffing out his chest in a way that would have made Gaston weep with envy. His brow furrowed as he pointed dramatically at the Beast.

“Me Tarzan. Who daf*ck are you hairy man bear? Why are you in my jungle?” Tarzan demanded, his slightly British accent comically clashing with his loincloth. [Author’s note: It is worth pointing out that Tarzan had been hanging out an unhealthy amount with Jane’s two brothers, both of whom were soldiers and therefore swore like sailors on leave after a six-month tour.]

The Beast blinked. “Your jungle? It’s a jungle. No one owns it.”

Tarzan crossed his arms. “Wrong. I am the jungle. Protector of the vines! Defender of the animals! And you, furry f*ck, are clearly an intruder.”

“Furry what?” The Beast’s temper flared. “I am Prince Adam! And I don’t have time for this nonsense. I am here for that rose.”

Tarzan tilted his head, his confusion so intense it almost became audible. “The rose? That’s not food.” He sniffed the air. “Wait… what are you? Big cat? Big bear? Or some kind of shaved gorilla-lion?”

The Beast clenched his jaw, his claws twitching as he fought the urge to lunge. “I am a cursed prince. Not that it’s any of your business. Now step aside.”

Tarzan shook his head and let out a soft laugh, as though the Beast had told a joke. “I can’t let you take that. It’s part of the jungle! You take it, the balance is upset. Then the elephants start to riot, and the monkeys start throwing sh*t all over the place.”

“I’m taking it because I need it to break my curse!” The Beast roared, taking a step forward. “Do you even know what it does?”

“No,” Tarzan admitted, shrugging. “But it looks fancy, so I assume it’s important. And I can’t have you stealing fancy things. Jungle rules.”

The Beast snorted. “There are jungle rules now?”

Tarzan nodded solemnly. “Rule one: don’t take anything shiny, glowing, or edible without permission. Rule two: no roaring unless it’s during an epic fight. Rule three: don’t sh*t near the capuchins as they will either eat it, or throw it at you.”

The Beast glanced down at his mud-soaked cape. “You know what? I don’t have time for this. I’m taking the rose, and you’re not going to stop me.”

Tarzan grinned. “Oh, I am going to stop you. Because if you take it, the animals will blame me. And if the animals blame me, Kala gives me the look. And let me tell you, the look is worse than being chased by a leopard.”

“Who’s Kala?” the Beast asked, exasperated.

“My mum. Don’t worry about it.”

“I wasn’t planning to.”

Tarzan flexed his muscles unnecessarily, his grin widening. “If you want that rose, you’ll have to get past me. And no offence, but you look like a badger with his knickers in a twist.”

The Beast’s eye twitched. “That’s it.”

The two squared off, tension crackling in the humid air. Birds perched on branches to watch, monkeys swung closer for a better view, and somewhere, a baboon started drumming dramatically on a hollow log. Bonga bonga bong bong. Bonga bonga bong bong.

“You’re not ready for this,” Tarzan said, cracking his knuckles.

“You don’t know who you’re dealing with,” the Beast growled, baring his fangs.

For a brief moment they heard voices echoing in their minds… Jane and Belle telling them to see sense, to not cause trouble, to make sure the toilet seat was down.

But these were men, fighting men, beastly men, men who left the toilet seat up!

There….would…. be… trouble!

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Story Summary

 

[Callisto]

Learn More About
Beast (Disney)
Read more about Beast (Disney) at Wikipedia
Official Site: Disney Links: Beauty and the Beast Wikipedia Beauty and the Beast imdb page Beauty and the Beast pages

Tarzan (Disney)
Read more about Tarzan (Disney) at Wikipedia
Official Site: Edgar Rice Burroughs Links: Tarzan Wikipedia page Tarzan (the movie) Wikipedia Tarzan imdb page